Saturday, October 29, 2011

CT First Page #3

TITLE:  Unraveled
GENRE:  YA mystery

My mother’s best friend insisted I wear one of her designer dresses to
my first homecoming dance. I couldn’t refuse, nor did I want to.

Inside Nancy Kline’s meticulous closet, I found it impossible to pick
a favorite, until I saw the strapless taffeta bubble dress.

I couldn’t stop grinning. “This is the one.” I handed Nancy the hanger.

She ran her fingers over the fabric, identifying the design. “This
material was imported from India,” she said with pride. Nancy was
going to be a famous fashion designer before she lost her vision.

Up over my head, I slipped the dress on and stood in front of the
mirror. However, the perfect dress wasn’t necessarily the perfect fit.

“Taylor, give me a few minutes and I’ll make a few minor alterations.”
Nancy moved behind her sewing machine and I watched her stitch from
memory. She was fun to talk to, and if she were my age she’d be my
best friend.

“I have some costume jewelry you might be interested in—exceptionally
good imitation. In my guest room, there’s a tall dresser. I think the
second drawer.” Nancy paused. “Help yourself, while I finish up here.”

“No. Really?”

Next to the closet stood the wooden dresser. I opened the first drawer
and sitting right on top, I found an envelope marked adoption papers.
My heart was beating fast, and this little voice in my head said, ‘Do
not open.’ But, the rest of me said, ‘Yes open, and read.’

6 comments:

  1. The line in the first paragraph - nor did I want to - doesn't sound like a teenage voice.

    I think you could leave bubble off the description of your dress. Some people (like me) don't know what a bubble dress is, although I can imagine what it might mean. Leave it open so the reader can insert an image of their own favorite style.

    The line where you say she was fun to talk to sounds a little forced. I think it would read better without it.

    After the No. Really line, you should add some emotion. Has she seen the jewelry before? Is there a piece she's been dying to wear?

    I like this opening. You do a good job introducing the conflict - finding the adoption papers. My only concern is the girl's voice. I don't get a feel for who she is or how she feels about what's happening. Good luck!

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  2. Try turning p2 into p1, there's more action. Maybe something like this:
    Inside Nancy Kline’s meticulous closet, I found it impossible to pick a favorite, until I saw the strapless taffeta bubble dress. Nancy, my mom's best friend, insisted I wear one of her designer originals. Homecoming dance. Yes, thanks, one of Nancy's dresses was just what I needed...
    It sounds like a juicy story. Best wishes! -- skywriter, posting as Anon due to tech difficulty

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  3. The adoption papers really pulled me in. The problem with that is pretty much everything before it. I'm not getting a sense of a teenager's voice either in the dialogue or narrative. This is reading MG to me. The set up (everything before the papers) could be condensed and revised. Add more of the main character's voice. Show the reader who she is. Make us care.

    There is some great potential in here. Keep up the good work!

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  4. The last few lines are what drew me in! But I do agree it could be revised to sound more teen. This line for example "I couldn’t stop grinning. “This is the one.” I handed Nancy the hanger." Instead maybe I couldn't keep the grin off my face. "This is it," I said, bouncing in place as I handed Nancy the hanger. I don't know what type of girl she is, but if she cares this much about it being a fashion dress, she'll be more excited. Hope it helps.

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  5. You guys rock! I've edited my 250 with your suggestions. Thank you!

    Inside Nancy’s meticulous closet, I found it impossible to pick a favorite, until I saw the strapless taffeta dress.

    Nancy Kline’s my mother’s best friend, and she insisted I wear one her original designs to my first homecoming dance. As if I’d say no.

    I couldn’t keep the grin off my face. “This is it,” I said, bouncing in place as I handed Nancy the hanger.

    She ran her fingers over the fabric, identifying the design. “This material was imported from India,” she said with pride. Nancy was going to be a famous fashion designer before she lost her vision.

    I slipped the dress on and stood in front of the mirror, admiring myself. If only I had bigger boobs.

    “Is everything all right?” Nancy asked.

    “I’m so embarrassed. I love the dress, but….”

    “No worries,” she said. “I’ll add a little padding, and no one will have to know.” Nancy moved behind her sewing machine and I watched her stitch from memory.

    “Taylor, I have some costume jewelry you might be interested in—exceptionally good imitation. In my guest room, there’s a tall dresser. I think the second drawer.” Nancy paused. “Help yourself, while I finish up here.”

    “No. Really?” Hello, sparkle.

    I ran into the room, opened the first drawer and sitting right on top, I found an envelope marked adoption papers. My heart was beating fast, and this little voice in my head said, ‘Do not open.’ But, the rest of me said, ‘Yes open, and read.’

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow! What a great revision! Her voice comes through, the wording is more specific and snappy -- the whole thing comes to life. Best wishes! -- skywriter

    ReplyDelete