Monday, October 17, 2011

Logline #10

Title: Opposition
Genre: YA Fantasy

logline #20

The Aerisians—people living on the invisible, floating continent of Aeris—were given a power beyond the elements and a legendary task centuries ago: protect the Yin Shadow and the Yang Light, the syzygy that makes up the balance of the Earth. But in the week Atalanta Raire turns fifteen, suddenly the Light is stolen, her sister goes missing, and the only thing Ata can do is go to the Earth Plane, where there are much more awaits than just a lost sister and a pilfered Light.

5 comments:

  1. I like this a lot, but it's missing something. I'd like to know who the antagonist is and what her consequences are.

    Hope this helps! Good luck! :)

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  2. I think you can leave out most of the first line. You don't need a lot of world building in a log line. Just a basic premise so we understand it. Break it down. What is your MC's goal (find her sister?) Who or what is in the way of her goal? What will she do to achieve her goal? I think when you take out your world words (pilfered Light, Earth plane, Yang Light, syzygy, etc) It will be easier to follow. Good luck!

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  3. I'm afraid I disagree with Janice (aren't critiques fun?) The world building is just what makes this logline interesting and will boost it out of slush (although I do agree, nix the word syzgy, which is a mouthful). So I love it until the last line. "Much more awaits her?" It sounds like you were getting tired. Fix that last line, and you're golden, IMHO. I agree with both Janice and K.T. here; identifying the antagonist/consequences is key.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Author of the LoglineOctober 18, 2011 at 10:43 PM

    Thanks, everyone, for your helpful feedback! Janice and Gail, er, I'll try my best to accommodate your suggestions. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Author of the LoglineOctober 18, 2011 at 11:00 PM

    How about this?

    The Aerisians—people living on the invisible continent of Aeris—were given a power beyond the elements and a legendary task centuries ago: protect the Yin Shadow and the Yang Light, the pair that makes up the balance of the Earth. But in the week Atalanta Raire turns fifteen, suddenly the Light is stolen, her sister goes missing, and the only thing Ata can do is go to the Earth Plane, where a trapped Cimmerian bent on twisted revenge shatters free of his prison, and Ata's nonexistent luck is about to make her his bait for a desperate and crumbling world.

    ReplyDelete