Monday, October 17, 2011

Logline #3

Title:  BRITTLE
Genre:  YA Urban Fantasy

Standing at the edge of her own freshly-dug grave, Sara Jacobs is about to tell the most important story of her life. From a gossip-crazed high school to a moonless limbo of tombstone-covered hills, this is how her mysterious mother’s legacy blew her boring world apart. And how she put it all back together.

13 comments:

  1. Ooh, this sounds edgy and chilling!

    My only comment would be in reference to "this is how her mysterious mother's legacy blew her boring world apart." I'd like to know what "this" is? Not sure if it's possible to elaborate a tad more without giving away too much of the story, but I'm wondering what it's referring to, leaving a gap in getting a sense of the whole story. Know what I mean? Hope I explained my thought process right.

    Hope this helps! Good luck. :)

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  2. I'm intrigued by this, but I want to know what the conflict is. I'm also not sure whether the references to high school or tombstone-covered hills are parts of Sara's life or her mother's. Rather than state she's going to tell her story, tell me about that story. What is her goal? What is standing in the way of that goal, and what are the consequences if she fails?

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  3. yeah that's true (re: "this")! thanks. I'm actually thinking that this logline doesn't quite do it--because... do you think I should put more story elements in it? I dunno. People're starting to get jealous of all the time I spend with my query. haha

    Here's my alternate:Sara Jacobs, a headstrong Andover High senior in MA, has her life blown apart by tragedy and guilt as she flickers in and out of her town’s dark history; she slowly awakens to the true power within herself and tracks down a mother who she desperately needs but never even knew.

    Thanks to KT so much for this forum. Great opportunity to help each other out.

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  4. First, you're welcome!

    Second, it's important to remember what a logline needs. The reader needs to know the protagonist, the antagonist, the conflict, the goal and the consequences, without cluttering it with details that aren't needed (such as Andover High). So I'd suggest breaking it down a bit. When you describe your story to someone, how do you do it without going in too deep?

    Maybe starting with "Headstrong Sara Jacobs has her life blow apart by (incident here) her senior year.

    I'd take pieces of both the first one and this new one you posted, try to connect them with the key elements of a logline that you may have left out. From the two I've read, I don't know what the true conflict is, or the antagonist.

    I do love the first one, but it is missing those elements.

    Feel free to post any changes again here! :)

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  5. The fist sentence is awesome, puts us right there. And some of the language is wonderful: "moonless limbo of tombstone-covered hills." Yowza! Otherwise, I agree with K.T., the rest is too vague.

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  6. Wow. I really love this. I like the idea and I think you've done a really good job here. I would like to hear more. The second sentence is vague. Add a touch more information, keeping with that tension you've already got, and this is a winner. Great job.

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  7. The start is great and the whole thing is well written but when you end with the fact that she's put it all together it removes the stakes and makes it seem like there'll be nothing to worry about (but she's standing at her own grave so presumably something's gone wrong?). Maybe 'this is how she put it back together...and failed/or so she thought/and still managed to end up teetering on the edge of her own grave etc.
    Katherine Amabel (Google's making mecomment as anonymous)

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  8. Standing at the edge of her own freshly-dug grave, Sara Jacobs is about to tell the most important story of her life: how, while seeking the mother she desperately needs but never even knew, the demon in her veins destroys her petty high school world and drags her through the dark history of her town.

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  9. I like this much, MUCH more, and I liked the first a lot, so that says something!

    The only thing still missing for me? The consequence that got her there. Find a way to fit that in, and you've nailed it.

    Great job, Jordan! :)

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  10. Standing at the edge of her own freshly-dug grave, Sara Jacobs is about to tell the most important story of her life: how, to find the mother she desperately needs but never even knew, she embraces forbidden demons that devastate her world and drag her through the dark history of her town.

    I was thinking about just removing that first part (Standing at...her life) then using it at the beginning of the query body. That would be entirely for length purposes. (With that sentence, 52 words. Without, about 30.) I think that first sentence is a super nice hook, though. Would it be worth cutting it for brevity's sake? That's a professional question. I don't know how unforgiving agents can be.

    signed,
    Confused

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  11. I think you should keep it; it's a good hook. But again, we're missing the consequence.

    At 52 words, you have a little wiggle room. I'd say 65 words should be your cap, max 70. Trust me, I feel you on wanting to keep it well below the 100 word count, but you need to be able to get your key points across.

    "Standing at the edge of her own freshly-dug grave, Sara Jacobs is about to tell the most important story of her life: how, to find the mother she desperately needs but never knew, she embraces forbidden demons that devastate her world and drag her through the dark history of her town. If she doesn't succeed, this grave will become home." (or whatever the consequence is here). That's 60 words.

    Also notice I cut out "even" from "never even knew". It's an added word you can lose for the sake of brevity.

    I'm here for more if you need me! :)

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  12. thanks K.T., I'll work with that. I was a little confused on what you meant by 'consequence'. Even though, duh, it has a pretty obvious meaning. Brain fart. I came up with a few things along that "grave will become home" line. Thanks again.

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  13. My pleasure! Good luck, feel free to get in touch if I can do anything else. :)

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