This is nice, but only half. She needs a goal and consequences if she fails. Otherwise, I don't know that "Chicagoan" adds anything.
I agree with Heather. You have a great start here. But we need to know what the MC's goal is after finding out this information, and what will happen if she fails to achieve that goal. What you have is enough of a hook that I definitely want to know, though!
Agreed~ we need to see her take action of some kind. This sounds great, though :)
I agree with the above. This is a great beginning for a logline, but we're left hanging a bit. Listen to Tarak and you'll have a killer logline.
I agree with others - remove Chicagoan, and tell us the goal, conflict and consequences. The story is interesting, but need more. Good luck!
This is a great start!You've gotten some great comments here already, I agree with all of the above. You've got a great first half, now let's see the second half. You've left me curious, which isn't a bad thing, but it's not enough.Hope this helps. Good luck! :)
Great suggestions above. I'd consider rewording "picture-perfect." That sounds ideally beautiful to me, but I think the connotation that you want is so-perfect-you'd-never-suspect-kidnapping, which has nothing to do with being beautiful. So "perfect" works, but not "picture-perfect" for me.Also, your title, CHASING CARMEN MIRANDA does make me think of the kids TV show, "Where in the World is Carmen Santiago" where they are also chasing a character named Carmen.You have a great hook here and half of a "picture-perfect" logline. :-) Good luck!