Thursday, October 27, 2011

October Logline #5

TITLE: BABY DOE
GENRE: Mystery

One wintery night in the woods, a man wrenches a baby from the arms of a teenage girl, thereby opening the door for murder, rape, and incest. Bucky Ontario, clever and daring, learns the shocking truth and goes up against a town determined to stop him at any price.

6 comments:

  1. There's a big leap from taking a baby out of a girl's arms to murder, rape and incest. I need a bit of help making the leap. Also, how is Bucky connected to the girl? And how old is Bucky? And why is the town determined to stop him? You've got room - try to give us a few more details.

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  2. I agree with JoyMC. The leap between kidnapping a baby and murder, rape and incest confused me. Does he murder and rape the teenage girl at the same time he kidnaps the baby? And in the middle of the woods where I'm assuming it's either freezing or snowing or both? I just don't see how kidnapping can "open the door" to the horrible crimes. Might need a bit clearing up.

    And in agreement with Joy, why does the town try to stop him? Is one of those crazy secretive towns that totally creep me out, never wanting outsiders to unravel their secrets?

    I think this could be a great logline, just needs a bit of explaining and tightening!

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  3. In addition to the comments above, I want to know what will happen if Bucky fails.

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  4. I agree with what's been said already, but have one further, small comment.

    Your setup is dark/horrible (rape, incest, murder), but the name of your protagonist is... kind of funny and he is described as 'clever and daring', which makes this feel very lighthearted.

    What is the tone of this story? These two aspects feel a little contradictory.

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  5. Margaret Edwards-KleinOctober 28, 2011 at 2:38 PM

    How I received your logline:

    The baby is Bucky, that's the shocking truth. The man who stole the baby is the mayor or someone in charge of the town.

    Unfortunately, there is some disconnect here. How does point A (baby being stolen) connect to point B (murder, rape, incest) to come to point C (A town trying to stop Bucky)? Something to consider when revising.

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  6. I remember this from last time. This version is definitely more streamlined and to the point, but needs more pizazz (sp?). I like how it wraps up in the 2nd sentence. Anyway, what about starting with a character, the main character. I assume this is Bucky. Ex, "Bucky Ontario, clever and daring sheriff of __, learns the shocking truth of murders and rapes plaguing his town."
    -I'd cut out one of the "murder, incest, rape" group. Although important to the story, mentioning two of these is more than adequate to paint the picture and it's wordy.
    -I noticed that you kept the "man wrenching a baby from the arms of a teenage girl" phrase. This makes total sense to you in the context of the story, but remember, we know nothing about the story. First impressions. This phrase is, although a poignant image, a little generic. I wish I could give more advice on that, but I don't know how it "opens the door". Maybe try a version where you don't try to make a direct cause/effect relation between the two.

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