Thursday, October 27, 2011

October Logline #6

TITLE:  Unnatural
GENRE:  YA Paranormal Romance

Previous Post: http://crowleykt.blogspot.com/2011/10/logline-36.html

Seventeen-year-old Alexa’s life and the future of humanity hang in the balance when the power only she can generate makes her the trophy between two races warring for mankind. Her choice between risk-taking Vanquisher, Dell, and the mysterious Sentinel, Hayden, will not only decide who Alexa loves, but which side she’d die fighting for, revealing alls fate.

8 comments:

  1. this is pretty vague. What's her power? Why does the fate of humanity hang on her? What does it have to do with the guy she picks? Who are they fighting? What is her goal? What will happen if she doesn't reach her goal?

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  2. I don't think you need to name Dell and Hayden in the logline. To me it just slowed it down as I tried to comprehend their roles and their names. I think just defining them as the risk taking Vanquisher and the mysterious Sentinel will work just fine.

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  3. Some of the dots aren't connecting for me. How do races war for mankind? What do they get if they win? Mankind? It's confusing if you say more than one thing hangs in the balance, and I agree with Janice that the whole fate of humanity is too vague in this logline. Why does her choice decide who she loves? Can't she love more than one person and have to choose between them? Would it be better to say "Alexa must choose between the two boys she loves--a risk-taking Vanquisher and a mysterious Sentinel--because she could die fighting for them." That still needs working, but it makes more sense. I'm not sure what you mean with "revealing alls fate." Do you mean "revealing all's fate"? "revealing everyone's fate" sounds better, but I think this last phrase is unnecessary anyway.

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  4. Everything I wanted to say has been said already :)

    ...except, what if she chooses neither? I didn't like the idea that she's somehow being forced/manipulated into choosing between the two... if you changed the wording, I wouldn't get that impression, but right now it feels like she has absolutely no choice in the matter.

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  5. Margaret Edwards-KleinOctober 28, 2011 at 2:31 PM

    A logline is supposed to be short, 1-2 sentences to entice the reader. It's suppose to make you ask questions like the ones in the comments here so that you'll read more. It's not suppose to give you the entire story, because if it did, there'd be no point in reading it (and it'd be too long for a logline). It's a hook.
    Okay...now that I've said that, this is how I received your logline (and I did read the last one as well):

    Her power is just that, power. They need it somehow. Her goal is to pick a side. If she doesn't pick right, she could die and humanity may also suffer for her choice. Complicating her peril are the two boys she's caught between, who both happen to be on opposite sides of the fight for mankind (which is what they are fighting for for whatever reason). I'm left to assume that no matter who she chooses to love, ultimately she still has to pick a side.

    In my opinion, you nailed it. This is cleaner than your last. As a reader, I want to get the answers to the questions above by reading the book.

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  6. agree with removing the names Dell and Hayden. Naming the MC is usually enough. Don't think you need to explain her power--that detail is for the body of the query. Also, what is "alls fate"? The fate of the world? Maybe find a more clear way to express that idea.
    Nice job. It's a good logline, imo

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  7. I agree with Margaret. What would be the point of reading a book if all the answers are in the log line? When critiquing a log line you don't "ask" or tell the writer to express too much of the story. You the reader are to be intrigued by the idea to want to read the book.

    As for this log line, I feel that it covered all your grounds. As I said it before in your last entry, this is great and would want to read more.

    As for the comment above regarding alls vs. all's, you used it correctly. 'Alls' is the plural of 'all' where as 'all's' is the abbreviation for 'all is'.

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  8. I think "alls" would be "alls' fate", but it seems that there's a disagreement about this, so it's up to you. :)

    The logline. I had a feeling while reading it that you were talking about two different things. The first sentence and second sentence felt disconnected, and while it's interesting, I don't know the stakes, and why this is important. I've been stressing this a lot (and to myself, too!), so you're not the only one who I feel like the logline is lacking the important question of why.

    Good luck! :)

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