Wednesday, December 14, 2011

December Buyer's Remorse #10

TITLE: Extraction
GENRE: YA Dystopian

When Logan finally arrives, he's holding a flower that could kill me.

I stop tapping my nails on the fence and stare at the green stem, at how the petals glint silver so they almost look like metal.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" I shove his arm away and back up so fast I ram into our shack's windowsill, but I've felt worse.

It's been eleven years since I've seen petals like that. Inventors used genetic manipulation to make silver aster flowers calming for the mind, but I'm severely allergic to their pollen.

Logan chuckles.

I sift my fingers through the dirt, find a rock, and throw it at his shoulder. Hard.

His laughter dies. "Jeez, Clementine." He lifts a calloused hand and tears off a flower petal. Thin silver wrapping falls away, leaving behind the blackening blue of a common aster. It's grimy, of course. Everything's covered in grime on the Surface.

My cheeks grow hot.

He smiles. "You didn't seriously think I'd sneak into the Core to find a silver aster for you? God."

"Oh shut up, Logan. You're such an idiot."

He tosses me the perfectly ordinary flower. I scowl, but sniff it. Smells like dust. Same as everything.

"You ready to go?" he asks.

I snort and flick a red-orange curl out of my eye. Of course I'm ready. I'm wearing my only dress, light blue with faded pink flowers speckled across its fabric. I'm evening wearing shoes - Laila's old ones. She would scold me for not wearing them more, if she were still around.

6 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. "I'm 'evening' wearing shoes" should be 'even.'

    Other than that I really liked this! It makes me wonder what kind of person Logan is, that he'd joke about a lethal allergy. Makes me think he may not be one of the good guys. Not sure about the calming for the mind line, as it doesn't flow as well as everything else. Maybe rewriting that bit so it's two separate sentences. I would definitely read on!

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  3. Overall, I like this! I was a bit thrown by the placement of Clementine's body in the middle, though. She fell back against the windowsill (standing), but then she's at ground level to pick up a stone. There was no transition to show this. But all in all, I like the world this is setting up.

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  4. I like this because it leaves me wondering who Laila is and why Clementine has her shoes.

    Like Feaky, I'm wondering what kind of guy Logan is to joke about such a severe allergy. But I'm also wondering what kind of person Clementine is for reacting to it by throwing a rock hard at him. There's a lot of subversive physical violence that I find harsh.

    I also think, just in general, it's hard to pull off the first person. But I think it's working here!

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  5. I SUGGEST CUTTING WHAT I PUT IN (), AND ADD * *

    When Logan finally arrives, he's holding a flower that could kill me.

    I stop tapping my nails on the fence and stare at the green stem *AND GLINTERING SILVER PEDALS.* (, at how the petals glint silver so they almost look like metal.)

    "What the hell's wrong with you?" I shove his arm away and back up so fast I ram into our shack's windowsill(, but I've felt worse).

    CONSIDER MOVING THIS PARA ABOVE "What the hell's ..."
    It's been eleven years since I've seen petals like that *,AND I'M ALERGIC TO THEIR POLEN.* Inventors used genetic manipulation to make silver aster flowers *THAT ARE SUPOSEDLY* calming for the mind(, but I'm severely allergic to their pollen).

    Logan chuckles. ADD SOMETHING PHYSICAL. MAYBE TAUNTS HER -- WAVES THE FLOWER IN HER FACE.

    I *BEND DOWN AND* sift my fingers through the dirt, find a rock, and throw it at *HIM* (his shoulder). Hard.

    (His laughter dies.) "Jeez, Clementine*", HE WHINES AND TEARS OFF A FLOWER PETAL* (He lifts a calloused hand and tears off a flower petal. Thin silver wrapping falls away,) leaving behind the blackening blue of a common aster. It's grimy, of course. Everything's covered in grime on the Surface. DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE LAST SENTENCE.

    My cheeks grow hot(.) *I'M SO PISSED.*

    He smiles. "You didn't seriously think I'd sneak into the Core to find a silver aster for you? God."

    "Oh shut up, Logan. You're such an idiot."

    He tosses me the perfectly ordinary flower. I (CATCH IT AND) scowl(, but sniff it). Smells like dust. Same as everything. WHAT EVERYTHING?

    "You ready to go?" he asks.

    I snort and flick a red-orange curl out of my eye. Of course I'm ready. TELL US WHERE THEY'RE GOING. I'm wearing my only dress, light blue with faded pink flowers speckled across its fabric. I'm even(ing) wearing shoes - Laila's old ones *THAT I NEVER WEAR*. She would scold me for not wearing them more(,). (if) *If* she were still around.

    YOUR STORY SOUNDS INTERESTING AND I'D WANT TO READ MORE.

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  6. I like this. You've got two clearly defined characters and some conflict between them, lots of conflict with the setting and therefore lots of questions about the world and it's history. Great first line, too. Only problem I see is that there are lots of pieces of writing where the protagonist flicks a curl from their eye or tucks their fringe behind an ear etc to show us a little bit of what the character looks like. If I've seen that a lot, agents have probably seen it a thousand times more. Perhaps something else to give character description - eg. I tapped a long/manicured/cracked/filthy nail on the fence etc. But nice job : )

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