TITLE: Untitled
GENRE: Poem
Through the silence of the thousand thousand landscapes of my mind, a voice calls out, "Why hast thou forsaken me?" It is my voice, but it is also the voice of every journey not taken, every task left unfinished, every lost opportunity. It is the voice of a small, scared little boy who recoils in horror at the sight of the man he has become. I want to comfort him, but he is beyond my reach, and I could not bring myself to meet his eyes if I could find him. The hurt in those eyes is mine, but I cannot bear it. The disappointment in those eyes are also mine, and I can bear it no better. The child in my heart of hearts is wounded. Scarred and torn, he can only cry out, and I can only listen.
Deep thoughts, I almost don't want to intrude, but I think you can pare it down for more impact. For example, the "thousand thousand" would work as one "thousand." Think about stronger words in the almost cliche "every journey not taken, every task left unfinished, every lost opportunity." Maybe "every abandoned journey, opportunity passed by," or some other fresh descriptives.
ReplyDeleteWhen you can use one word, use only one. "It is the voice of a small scared boy..." You can take out "scared." It is shown in the next line.
I enjoyed this poem and can relate to it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Skywriter. Take out the extraneous words - pare it down. It will make it fresh and crisp.
Good job.
Have to agree with the above comments. Remember distilling down to fewer words, more apt phrases can enhances the power of the writing.
ReplyDelete