Thursday, March 29, 2012

March 2012 Test Run #3

TITLE:  Broken Wings
GENRE:  Women's fiction

The only leg I knew how to stand on anymore was the rolled fifty-dollar bill up my nose.  But that high doesn’t last very long and, before you know it, you’re not standing; you’re lying on a cold tile floor, wasted and depressed.  How many times have I been here? 

From deep inside my chest I felt myself crying out, reaching out through the darkness that held me prisoner. God, if you’re there, I don’t want to be this person anymore.  Everything’s a mess.  I can't find my way out.  Please, you have to make it right because I can't do this anymore.
 
Truthfully, I didn’t want to live anymore, but killing myself was a worse sin than licking a dealer’s nasty just to earn a little buzz.  I was already in Hell and the Catholic in me knew suicide was just a way to guarantee things wouldn’t get better.  I still had one brain cell left telling me that wasn’t the way.  But that one brain cell was fighting a losing battle.  There was no answering voice in my head, no Divine spark.  I listened to the hollow silence and fell into unconsciousness with vomit and tears drying on my face.

I felt a kick and swam back to consciousness, hearing David muttering the usual string of curses.

“Goddamn it, Rae.  I hate tripping over you.  Can't you pass out somewhere else?”  He shoved me aside with his foot, giving me a clear view of the underside of the toilet bowl. 

3 comments:

  1. Wow! Very gritty and compelling! You've got a cliche up front ("leg to stand on") but if you decide to keep it, take out the filler, "anymore." We know she wasn't always an addict, you don't need "anymore." Also, you're telling us what we are discovering when you write: "How many times have I been here?" Trust us to know that this is not the first time she's found herself in this situation.

    I was tempted to suggest starting with this line: (Take out Truthfully) "I didn’t want to live anymore, but killing myself was a worse sin than licking a dealer’s nasty just to earn a little buzz." Great line, strong paragraph!

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  2. Very gritty indeed. I agree with skywriter, our first line does nothing for you.

    How about starting with "The high doesn't last very long, and before....

    I also agree that "How many times have I been here?" is too much.

    Also brain cell v. Divine spark lost me.

    I was already in Hell and the Catholic in me knew suicide was just a way to guarantee things wouldn’t get better. The tatters of my soul told me that wasn't the way. What other way was there? God has given up on me. There was no hope, no future, no Divine spark.

    Well done.

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  3. I would definitely read on. This has depth and emotion.

    I agree with Skywriter on starting with, "I didn’t want to live anymore, but killing myself was a worse sin than licking a dealer’s nasty just to earn a little buzz." Strong sentence. That gives us a visual kick like nothing else. Use it!!

    Would read on.

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