Thursday, March 29, 2012

March 2012 Test Run #8

TITLE:  Crossroads
GENRE:  Fantasy
 
 
 
She was dreaming; she knew that.  The barren castle, the circular room, the bodies on the floor – all these things she had left behind days ago.  But her mind replayed them each night, breaking her heart again and again until she was sure she had no heart left to break.  She kept reminding herself it was a dream, except for one inescapable truth:  Captain Hunter was dead.

Gar’s growl woke her from the nightmare and she found herself looking up into citrine eyes set against a dark face.  Fearful, her mind sought that of her bear, seeing the scene through his eyes.  He stood behind her, hackles raised at the black wolf whose pearly canines were mere inches from her nose.  She felt the damp doggy breath on her face. 

She slowly raised a hand to the dark fur, looking for connection.  And she found it.  But the lupine mind behind the yellow eyes was strangely familiar, stirring memories from before her transformation.  Unsettled, she severed the connection and strangled the memories.

At the least, it means me no harm, she thought to Gar who huffed in agreement.

The bear sent her a vision, more like her dreams than his usual animal thoughts.  A ghostly woman in armor had told him to wait for the next companion.  Grandmother told you about the wolf?


A slick tongue shot out of the charcoal snout and stroked her chin, bringing her attention back to the golden eyes. Apparently the wolf was here for her.

5 comments:

  1. Well writted and a great hook.

    Watch out for filter words like felt...maybe...Damp doggy breath warmed her face.

    And - this is just me - a slick tongue sounds icky. A velvet tongue? A rough tongue?

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  2. I love this premise! I'm hooked. Try it without: "breaking her heart again and again until she was sure she had no heart left to break." It's clear that it's a nightmare, it flows better like this:

    But her mind replayed them each night. She kept reminding herself it was a dream, except for one inescapable truth: Captain Hunter was dead.

    Your last line is gorgeous! (Apparently the wolf was here for her.) You've done a great job setting the stage.

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  3. I like this and agree with Julie's assesments above. However, I would like to know the name of the main character.

    Otherwise, would read further to see where you take it.

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  4. Definitely sounds interesting, though I do agree with everyone's else's comments. A name would be nice, just to get a better grip on who we are reading about and what is going on.

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  5. I love this premise! I would take out "breaking her heart again and again..." It's telling us what is implied, and it shifts our attention away from what you are describing. Maybe like this: "But her mind replayed them each night. She kept reminding herself it was a dream, except for one inescapable truth: Captain Hunter was dead."

    Your last line is gorgeous: "Apparently the wolf was here for her." Great job setting the scene. I'm hooked!

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