TITLE: Werebeasts
GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy - First Line
Ajay clenched his teeth and sniffed the air. The moon was rising in the east...it wouldn't be long now.
GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy - First Line
Ajay clenched his teeth and sniffed the air. The moon was rising in the east...it wouldn't be long now.
I like it. It's simple, it sets the mood of the story. Maybe axe the ellipses and just make it a sentence? The only confusion may come from what sniffing and the moon rising have in common, but that's not bad. It's a great start.
ReplyDeleteCheers!
Nice beginning! As for comments, I wonder if the first sentence should reverse the actions to read:
ReplyDeleteAjay sniffed the air and clenched his teeth.
The reason I suggest this is because the image of clenched teeth is more powerful than sniffing and I think it helps make the first line stronger to finish with that image.
Also I tend to encourage other writers to cut "was adverbing" phrases in favor of sentence with stronger verbs. So I'd suggest changing the second sentence to:
The moon rose in the east.
Now one point I'd like to ask is why Ajay is sniffing and clentching his teeth. Is it because of the moon rising or something else? As L.M. Miller (no relation) said, it wasn't quite clicking for me. Perhaps a bit more specificity would help evoke the scene a bit more.
Thanks, I really like your thoughts and will use them in the rewrite!
DeleteI think I would switch these sentences up just a bit (as below). I do like it and would read a bit further to see what transpires.
ReplyDelete"As the moon rose in the east, Ajay sniffed the air and clenched his teeth. It wouldn't be long now."