The sardonic young magic weave Adalmund must stop a worldwide war by starting a revolution. She's not allowed to kill a single soul, but the whimsical rebel she's working with is too good a target.
I'd suggest focusing this tagline on its essential parts and honing the voice. Sardonic, whimsical... they can probably be cut. Also is it meant to be "magic weaver" instead of magic weave? Lastly, the "too good a target" doesn't quite hit the right note for me.
That being said, I like the idea that your main character has to start a rebellion to avoid an attack on her kingdom. I'd focus on that aspect.
Maybe something like:
The young magic weaver Adalmund has been tasked with tracking down the man responsible for assasinating her kingdom's heir and bringing him to justice. However, after infiltrating the Kingdom of (Name), she discovers an army poised to invade her homeland. Now, her only hope of stopping the slaughter of her people is revolutionary named Peace. The problem is he may be more dangerous than those who are ploting the destruction of her kingdom.
Anyway, I wish you luck with the story. It sounds very interesting.
I love fantasies! And this one sounds exciting! I don't have much to offer. Maybe a rewrite to give you a better idea of where it could go when pared down. Lots of luck!!!
Adalmund must stop a war by starting a revolution. A magic weaver is not allowed to kill, but this time, the rebel she's working with is too good a target.
With loglines, shorter is better, I've been taught. This hits that. I think this is a great start, but I agree with the first critique on the "too good a target" part. It doesn't flow right. Is it meant to sound like she wants to kill the rebel? That's my only issue, as Joseph already pointed out the weave/weaver typo. Great job!!
Actually here's are a couple shorter (under 35 word) versions:
After infiltrating the Kingdom of (Name), Adalmund discovers an army poised to attack her homeland. Her only hope of stopping this invasion is a revolutionary named Peace, who may be more dangerous than all-out war*.
Or:
In order to stop the invasion of her kingdom, Adalmund, a maimed magic weaver, must start a revolution. The problem is the rebel leader, a mage named Peace, may be more dangerous than all-out war.*
*could replace all-out war with any two words: her enemies, any army, etc.
I'd suggest focusing this tagline on its essential parts and honing the voice. Sardonic, whimsical... they can probably be cut. Also is it meant to be "magic weaver" instead of magic weave? Lastly, the "too good a target" doesn't quite hit the right note for me.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I like the idea that your main character has to start a rebellion to avoid an attack on her kingdom. I'd focus on that aspect.
Maybe something like:
The young magic weaver Adalmund has been tasked with tracking down the man responsible for assasinating her kingdom's heir and bringing him to justice. However, after infiltrating the Kingdom of (Name), she discovers an army poised to invade her homeland. Now, her only hope of stopping the slaughter of her people is revolutionary named Peace. The problem is he may be more dangerous than those who are ploting the destruction of her kingdom.
Anyway, I wish you luck with the story. It sounds very interesting.
Best Wishes,
Joseph
Thanks! This was an under 35 word pitch so I struggled with parsing it down. I'll definitely take your advice on it when I rewrite it.
ReplyDeleteI love fantasies! And this one sounds exciting! I don't have much to offer. Maybe a rewrite to give you a better idea of where it could go when pared down. Lots of luck!!!
ReplyDeleteAdalmund must stop a war by starting a revolution. A magic weaver is not allowed to kill, but this time, the rebel she's working with is too good a target.
With loglines, shorter is better, I've been taught. This hits that. I think this is a great start, but I agree with the first critique on the "too good a target" part. It doesn't flow right. Is it meant to sound like she wants to kill the rebel? That's my only issue, as Joseph already pointed out the weave/weaver typo. Great job!!
ReplyDeleteActually here's are a couple shorter (under 35 word) versions:
ReplyDeleteAfter infiltrating the Kingdom of (Name), Adalmund discovers an army poised to attack her homeland. Her only hope of stopping this invasion is a revolutionary named Peace, who may be more dangerous than all-out war*.
Or:
In order to stop the invasion of her kingdom, Adalmund, a maimed magic weaver, must start a revolution. The problem is the rebel leader, a mage named Peace, may be more dangerous than all-out war.*
*could replace all-out war with any two words: her enemies, any army, etc.
Best Wishes,
Joseph