Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #2

Title: Abegale Force
Genre: Upper MG Magical Realism Adventure

Thirteen year-old Abegale wants to know if a mysterious old lady with ties to her grandmother’s past can be trusted when she tells Abegale her beloved grandmother is not dead and somewhere near-by. This grim old lady instructs Abegale to find her grandmother’s "medicine” book in the hopes of getting Abegale to disclose the whereabouts of her grandmother.When Abegale finds the book, she discovers the true identity of her grandmother, mixed in with magic cards, and strange uses for plants and weeds. But Abegale must act quickly, if she hopes to rescue Grandma before she’s trapped forever this time.

5 comments:

  1. This sounds interesting, but I think it is too long as written. I would try to condense this by half probably, maybe 1-2 sentences. What about something like:

    When a mysterious old lady tells 13-yr-old Abegale that her grandmother is not dead and that a medicine book holds the answers, Abegale must act quickly to find the book, discover her grandmother's true identity, and rescue her before she's trapped forever.

    Obviously, this would need some work, but hopefully this gives you an idea of what I meant.

    One other note: The second sentence sounds like it's from the grim lady's POV--we are learning what she wants.

    I do like the last line about Grandma being trapped forever this time. That is intriguing.

    Good luck with this!

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  2. I agree with Suzanne. Usually starting with "when" helps you shorten up the pitch a lot. Definitely keep the trapped forever line for the end, but I would ax the part about the details of the book because while they are interesting, I don't think they're needed for the log line. Just say she needs to use the medicine book and all of its bizarre contents to rescue her grandmother before she is trapped forever.

    Love this story, by the way. Remember watching this pitch in pitch live :)

    Good luck!

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  3. Cool concept. It just needs to be streamlined some. How about something like this:

    When a mysterious old woman tells thirteen-year-old Abegale that her dead grandmother is actually alive, she must find an old medicine book to determine her grandmother's location. But the book tells not only of grandmother's whereabouts, but of her secret identity and a past that threatens to entrap her for all of eternity.

    I may have gotten a little carried away there at the end. But you get the picture. Best of luck!

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  4. Lori A. Goldstein (@_lagold)October 29, 2012 at 9:17 AM

    I like Anita's shortening and agree it's a bit too long right now. Also, be careful with spelling and punctuation. Thirteen needs a hyphen after it; nearby isn't hyphenated, and the last sentence with the commas around "mixed in with magic cards" makes it a clause, which I don't think is your intention. Probably needs a streamline for length and a careful copy edit. But on the right track.

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  5. Oh my Goodness! Thank you all SO much. I went dark last week in downtown NYC and just returning to my life and writing. And responding to your wonderful feedback. I'm getting to work on this, and hopefully it'll be in the Baker's Dozen lineup. :) Thank you all again

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