Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #21

TITLE: WISHLOCK
GENRE: MG Fantasy

When eleven-year-old Timothy delivers a box concealing dark magic there are unwanted aftereffects: grey fur and a ferocious appetite for cheese. A hidden manuscript offers Timothy hope, something written in its pages could reverse the magic that has transformed him into a part-mouse, but he must use all his smarts to retrieve it; housed in a library, the lock on the door is forged from unbreakable magic.
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6 comments:

  1. Suzanne R. KleinOctober 27, 2012 at 11:15 AM

    This sounds interesting: a half-mouse, a locked library, and a box of dark magic. I'm confused by the delivery, though. Who does he deliver it to? Why is Timothy delivering it? Where did it come from? I'm sure these questions are all answered in the story, but maybe a hint of this would make that first sentence clearer. Maybe, even one word, like When 11-yr-old "messenger" Timothy... for instance, if that's what he is.

    Sounds interesting. Best of luck!

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  2. Manju HowardOctober 27, 2012 at 1:25 PM

    I like your concept. But I agree with Suzanne, it's confusing. Does Timothy open the box and bad things happen?

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  3. DanaEOctober 27, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    I love this!
    The first sentence is perfect. The next one is a little long and clunky. What about something like:

    A hiddle manuscript offers Timothy hope, something written in its pages could reverse the magic that has transformed him into part-mouse/part-boy. The only problem is it's kept in a library locked by _____and he'll have to use all his smarts to break the spell and become normal again.

    I'm not sure what word you need to describe how the door is locked. Just a thought!
    Best of luck!

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  4. yvonnecOctober 27, 2012 at 10:23 PM

    Thanks for the feedback and the encouragement - I really appreciate it! I'll be taking on board all the suggestions above when I make my revisions.

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  5. Bill ScottOctober 28, 2012 at 4:17 AM

    I like the concept. Sounds great. My suggestion would be to go through and cut it down a bit and bed careful of how many times you use the word magic.

    c

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  6. Shannon SchurenOctober 28, 2012 at 9:52 AM

    Love this! My only suggestion is for the last line, which read a bit clunky for me. How about: but he must use all his smarts to retrieve it from a library locked by unbreakable magic.

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