Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #25

TITLE:  SUSPENDED STATE
GENRE:  YA paranormal thriller

When a hospital employee preys on unconscious patients, a seventeen year-old girl’s soul becomes trapped inside his body. Now Lauren must find a way out before she disappears like his other victims. Or worse…becomes a permanent part of him.

4 comments:

  1. I like this. Just one little thing.

    seventeen year old Lauren...body. Now she must...

    Usually the MC's name is used first then use a pronoun. Looking forward to the first 250. Good luck.

    Violet - entry 29

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  2. Agree with the above. The way it starts with the hospital employee makes it seem like he is the main character. Seems like the first sentence should start —Seventeen-year-old Lauren's soul is trapped in side the man who preyed . . .

    Good luck. Sounds interesting.

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  3. I would lead with Lauren rather than the hospital employee. "When seventeen-year-old Lauren's soul becomes trapped in the body of a ..."

    Other than that, it's short and to the point. And I'm intrigued.

    Best of luck!

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  4. I agree with the others, start out with Lauren. I also think you have enough space to tell us a little about the hospital employee. It is obviously some type of supernatural creature, is there a name, a common or well known creature used in this genre? Other than that it's fine, I think. I'm totally intrigued and the first words to come out of my mouth when I read this was, "Snap...that's serious." haha.

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