Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #43

Round 3 Original Post #30

Title: Jumping Ants
Genre: Upmarket Commercial Fiction

Logline: With a talent for self sabotage, the charming but aimless Max gets himself hired, fired, and evicted in quick succession. While waiting in line at a fast-food drive-thru, the twenty-nine-year-old is carjacked at gunpoint. Max’s weekend-long journey with this peculiar stranger, an older, rounder, more desperate version of himself, leaves him with a black eye and a crush on a feisty bartender. Max learns that the unfazed grin he’s been honing hasn’t been fooling anyone, least of all himself.

6 comments:

  1. This looks to be in great shape. My only question is why do they pend a weekend together? Is max kidnapped?

    ReplyDelete
  2. In order to tighten your logline, I'd suggest to drop the location of the carjacking, e.g. "When the 29 y-o is carjacked at gunpoint, he must (is forced to?) spend the weekend with an older, rounder, more desperate version of himself...." Hope this is helpful. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You've done a great job. I'd only suggest to replace "with this peculiar stranger" with "his abductor."

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think the flow of ideas is good. Maybe tighten it to 3 sentences, not 4. The first and second would be easy to combine: ...in quick succession, then...carjacked...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lori A. Goldstein (@_lagold)October 29, 2012 at 9:12 AM

    Thanks all. Very helpful. I had a 3-sentence version and people said sentences were too long. But I liked it better that way so I may for it, thanks Georgia Girl!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Great story idea--and this logline tells me all I need to know to pick up the book. I think it's excellent as is, but would say if you need to edit down the word count, I would only do so sparingly--you could delete "at gunpoint" or "waiting" or "While" (as in 'Waiting in line..."), or as Ingrid said above, delete "at a fast-food drive-thru"). Other than that, it's great. Good luck. --cassielo (#60)

    ReplyDelete