Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #43

Round 3 Original Post #30

Title: Jumping Ants
Genre: Upmarket Commercial Fiction

Logline: With a talent for self sabotage, the charming but aimless Max gets himself hired, fired, and evicted in quick succession. While waiting in line at a fast-food drive-thru, the twenty-nine-year-old is carjacked at gunpoint. Max’s weekend-long journey with this peculiar stranger, an older, rounder, more desperate version of himself, leaves him with a black eye and a crush on a feisty bartender. Max learns that the unfazed grin he’s been honing hasn’t been fooling anyone, least of all himself.


  1. This looks to be in great shape. My only question is why do they pend a weekend together? Is max kidnapped?

  2. In order to tighten your logline, I'd suggest to drop the location of the carjacking, e.g. "When the 29 y-o is carjacked at gunpoint, he must (is forced to?) spend the weekend with an older, rounder, more desperate version of himself...." Hope this is helpful. Good luck!

  3. You've done a great job. I'd only suggest to replace "with this peculiar stranger" with "his abductor."

    Good luck!

  4. I think the flow of ideas is good. Maybe tighten it to 3 sentences, not 4. The first and second would be easy to combine: quick succession, then...carjacked...

  5. Lori A. Goldstein (@_lagold)October 29, 2012 at 9:12 AM

    Thanks all. Very helpful. I had a 3-sentence version and people said sentences were too long. But I liked it better that way so I may for it, thanks Georgia Girl!

  6. Great story idea--and this logline tells me all I need to know to pick up the book. I think it's excellent as is, but would say if you need to edit down the word count, I would only do so sparingly--you could delete "at gunpoint" or "waiting" or "While" (as in 'Waiting in line..."), or as Ingrid said above, delete "at a fast-food drive-thru"). Other than that, it's great. Good luck. --cassielo (#60)