Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #47

Round 3 Original Post #40

Title:  FLUTTER
Genre:  MG (magical realism)

Twelve-year-old Mandy finds an ancestor’s journal at Grandpa’s farmhouse, reads a flying spell… and grows strange, leathery wings! Flying is fantastic, but at school Mandy’s an outsider, too different. Her absentee mother shows up with Hollywood plans for her Winged Wonder Girl – but a glamorous life with the mother she longed for means leaving Grandpa and the two friends who stood by her – one is her crush, and he’s crushing back. 

5 comments:

  1. I think your logline has lots of great elements, it just needs to be compacted a bit more. For your second sentence, you might be able to say " While flying is fantastic, it makes her an outsider at school".

    The ending I like. Maybe it would be a bit better to know why she doesn't want to leave her Grandpa. I've seen your story before, so I think he was the one who raised her, right? Maybe add that in really quickly. "but a glamorous life with the mother she longed for means leaving her Grandpa who was always there, and her crush...who's TOTALLY crushing back."

    I probably made everything even wordier, but I hope it helps.:)

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  2. I like Rebecca's suggestions above. Her Grandpa is pretty important (if I remember correctly from another site) so I'd play that up more.

    Good luck!

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  3. Sounds like a fun book! To tighten this up a little, I'd suggest to delete the sentence that starts with: Flying is fantastic...

    I also like Rebecca's suggestion.

    Good luck!




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  4. I love TOTALLY crushing back:)

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  5. Thank you all so much! I am revising based on your suggestions.

    I TOTALLY love the TOTALLY line. ; )

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