Saturday, October 27, 2012

BD One Last Chance Logline #60

Title: Breeding Grounds
Genre: Literary Fiction

No one is all that surprised when a local fisherman’s wife ends up dead in a rock pile down at the Sand & Gravel. As an abused housewife, a beer-swilling old lesbian, a sexy young fisherman, a lonely barmaid and a meek new cop recount their lives, they reveal how doing what’s right is sometimes a luxury many can’t afford.

14 comments:

  1. During these unique character's reveal who they are, will the murder mystery be revealed as well? Is the death what starts the conversation between these 'unlikely' folks? I like the idea of exploring 'what's right' through this storyline, but I'm not sure how the actual death at the beginning plays a role?
    Thanks!

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    Replies
    1. Sorry, bit of an awkward sentence in the beginning! Should read:
      As these unique characters reveal who they are, will the murder (if it was a murder) mystery be revealed as well.
      (It's early...brain's not fully working yet...)

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  2. Do you want to focus on the murder? Or the list of characters? The list is a lot. Perhaps u can use a sentence to convey that the book is written from several perspectives?

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  3. I like a good mystery. My only problem with this is that I couldn't tell who the main character would be. Is this told from multiple POVs?

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  4. Is there a connection between the murder and the 5 characters? Did they know her and somehow failed to help her? I suggest to somehow tie in sentence #1 with sentence #2. They read like each one is a different story.

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  5. I agree with Carmen and Ingrid. I wasn't sure who I was supposed to connect to here or what the murder has to do with the five characters. As a consequence, I found it difficult to discern what the conflict is. A murder in and of itself isn't conflict. I also felt like this was a little clunky:

    "...doing what’s right is sometimes a luxury many can’t afford."

    I think the qualifiers "sometimes" and "many" are tripping things up a little.

    Good luck and happy writing!
    ~Dannie (#13)

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  6. I agree with the comments above. I also wanted to question why no one was surprised she was found dead. I don't care who you are, if you're found dead on a pile of rocks I'm going to be surprised. I'm sure you have a reason, so maybe make it a bit clearer?

    Otherwise, I read the logline as being very Vantage Point like, which was awesome.

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  7. Similar comments to above--1st line grabbed me, but then the rest of it doesn't seem to focus around a plot, and I started to get lost during the list of characters. I would focus more on the hook rather than these individual characters.

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  8. Wow, thank you everyone. I agree with you all, and your comments have been so helpful. It is indeed a multiple POV novel, and more a tragedy than a mystery. So I've rewritten it and hopefully clarified that (by saying it). Still it's nowhere near 60 words which I guess is the limit for MSFV BD's contest. I hope this works better, but editing it down to 60 is going to be a challenge:

    When a drunken fisherman hits a quiet immigrant one night, his punch ripples through the lives of everyone around him, setting off a series of events that ends with his wife dead in a rock pile. Told by five distinctly New England characters, the story of the girl’s death is regrettably less mystery than tragedy, just one of the many hazards of living, and loving, in a small town rife with the sexism and racism of the early '70s, and the passions and secrets that no one can escape.

    Again, thanks for all your comments. What a gift.

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    1. Cassielo--Wow, what a makeover! These are some nitpicks: drop 'regrettably' and change girl to woman. To make your logline shorter, I'd suggest to drop 'and the passions..."

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  9. In the revised version, I think the "one night" trips up your first sentence. I'm not sure it's needed. I'd also say get rid of the adverbs as much as you can. New Englanders tend to be pretty distinct, so I don't think you need distinctly, for example. Also, read this aloud to yourself and see if you can do so without stumbling. Then ask a friend to read it aloud for you (someone unfamiliar with it) and see if they stumble. I think you could simplify a little and still get the message across.
    Good luck!
    ~Dannie (#13)

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  10. I agree with what Dannie above me has said. If you cut the words others have suggested from your first sentence, it tightens up. As for the second sentence, it's a bit lengthy and clunky ESPECIALLY on the front end. What really catches my attention is the very last portion: many hazards of living, and loving, in a small town rife with the sexism and racism of the early '70s, and the passions and secrets that no one can escape.

    I wonder if you really *need* to focus on the five points of view? Is there a way to acknowledge the voices collectives--as in "the town" or something like that to get rid of the first part of the second sentence?

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  11. lori A. Goldstein (@_lagold)October 29, 2012 at 9:32 AM

    Your revised is much better. I do think you need to express it is a multiple POV otherwise people reading will be looking for a MC and not find one. I think to cut it down you could try saying "the tragic story of this girl's death" and maybe lose the "passions and secrets" part from the end. I know you want to try to put some theme in there but perhaps just too short in something like this. The plot being clear and catchy is most important, I think. Good luck!
    Lori (#43)

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  12. Thank you again everyone for your wonderful help. Lori I agree with you re the multiple POV and DC and Ingrid, thank you for the editing suggestions. You all have helped me such a great deal.
    What a great community--thank you K.T.

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