Friday, October 19, 2012

BD Round 2 Revised Logline #15

Original Post #35

GENRE: Adult Fantasy

Being kidnapped by the resurrected god of war and watching him raze Yemen wasn't part of Ava's 20th birthday plans. Ava’s panic is even greater than the U.N.’s. Ares mistakenly believes she has powers that will help him become Earth's only god, and intends to marry her. If he discovers she’s completely nonmagical, he'll kill her, but if she escapes, he'll kill her family.


  1. I like this. The voice is great. And I can sense lots of conflict. Best of luck

  2. i wonder if this is too long for a log line? i love the first sentence and wonder if you could condense the next following sentences? good luck!

  3. I really like the premise and I think your logline is pretty good. My only suggestion is changing the middle sentence around like this:

    Ares [intends to marry her because he] mistakenly believes she has powers that will help him become Earth's only god.

  4. Love the revisions. Would go with Patchi's suggestion at getting rid of marrying part. Not that it isn't interesting, but it condenses the plot and makes this a shorter, easier read.

  5. Great premise. Sounds like non-stop adventure. But, the sentence: Ava’s panic is even greater than the U.N. can go. It doesn't help intensify the pitch. And consider: Ares intends to marry her, believing her powers will make him Earth's only god. Her choices become: her death if he finds out she has no magic, or the death of her family if she escapes.

  6. I like your concept as much as I did in the first logline round but, I think that this one is a still unwieldy.

    Salient points:
    Ava is kidnapped by Ares, undead god of war.
    Ares thinks she has powers she does not have.
    If he discovers she’s nonmagical, he'll kill her.
    If she escapes, he'll kill her family.

    I think you are hurting your logline with the passive voice. "Being kidnapped" does not convey the immediate sense of urgency to the reader that it might if phrased differently. Also, is her panic really is greater than the U.N.'s? Is the U.N. important to this story?