Thursday, November 1, 2012

Last Call Logline #1

Round 2 Original Post #28

Title: THE LIFE AND TROUBLES OF A TOP-SECRET TEENAGE ASSASSIN
Genre: YA Thriller

When 17-year-old Mikaela infiltrates her parents’ assassin organization to save her boyfriend from becoming a target, she risks turning into a fulltime killer like her mom and dad after being forced to kill in the name of justice.

8 comments:

  1. Very Ally Carter! I like it. Though the last clause ("after being forced to kill in the name of justice") feels tacked on. I'm not sure if you mean Mikaela, her Mom, Dad, or bf.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm definitely loving the Ally Carter vibe, as well! I agree that the ending could use a little reworking, though. Maybe try something like:

    "When 17-year-old Mikaela infiltrates her parents' assassin organization to save her boyfriend from becoming a target, she risks turning into a fulltime killer herself after [whoever does it] force(s) her into killing in the name of justice."

    So, like: share who does the forcing, if possible. It'll clear up the awkwardness along with giving us another hint as to what the story's going to be about. (And if it's just that she sees that she has to kill someone--there's no person physically there making her do it--try "after circumstances force her into," etc.)

    I really want to read this one!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like the changes to the title. Only, I would cut out the "top-secret" part since it's kind of implied and makes it read better.

    I also like the rewrite of the logline. Maybe a little bit of tweaking?:

    "When 17-year-old Mikaela infiltrates her parents' assassin organization to save her boyfriend's life, she risks being forced become a full-time killer."

    Sounds like a really cool book. Good luck with BD!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love this!

    Like Julia, I'm interested in why she's forced to kill. I know that adds length, but it might be worth adding.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Totally hooked. My only suggestions is changing:
    "she risks turning into a fulltime killer like her mom and dad after being forced to kill in the name of justice."
    into:
    "she risks turning into a fulltime assassin like her parents when she's forced to murder in the name of justice."

    ReplyDelete
  6. This sounds like a fantastic read! I agree with the others, and really like Jessica's suggested rewording as well as Anita's. When you say "from becoming a target", it raises the question of how and why. How does she know that and why would he become one. With the suggestions above, it avoids those. I'm also left wondering why she is forced to kill, but that would be one of my reasons for reading your book, so I consider it a good hook.

    The title rocks, but I would also remove the "top-secret". It sounds much more fetching without it.

    Great job and good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree about dropping "top-secret"... I am wondering if the MC stumbles onto her parents careers or if it is something she has known about, and therefore infiltrates? Just thinking out loud really - guess I will have to wait for the book! Oh, and I really like Anita's suggestion for the tweak.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm with robyn that the "kill in the name of justice" sounds a bit off. The rest of the logline sounds great. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete