Thursday, November 1, 2012

Last Call Logline #15

TITLE: Harold - The Kid Who Ruined My Life and Saved the Day
GENRE: MG, contemporary

Twelve-year-old Jake is D-O-N-E with Harold. Sure Harold’s a genius when it comes to baseball trivia and Algebra but he also has Asperger’s and a knack for ruining Jake’s social life. Jake will do anything to ditch Harold and the Titans, Jake’s second place baseball team since first grade, for a chance to play shortstop for the undefeated Comets.

9 comments:

  1. This one is pretty good, but I think it would be stronger if you added stakes. "Jake will do anything....even if it means [losing his closest friend?] Also, is Harold on the baseball team too? Then maybe it should be "their second-place team."

    Good luck.

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  2. You hint at the stakes, but K Callard's "losing his closest friend" suggestion would clarify the stakes and add depth. Also, think about an em dash to add emphasis to his friend's Asperger's:

    Sure Harold’s a genius when it comes to baseball trivia and Algebra -- but he also has Asperger’s, which gives him a knack for ruining Jake’s social life.

    I like the tone of this! Great voice.

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  3. Ditto the others on adding the stakes. As for adding an em-dash at the "but," I think just a simple comma might suffice. Up to you, obviously. Good luck!

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  4. Thanks, all! The team is Jake's, not Harold's - he doesn't play. (Well, he did once and it was a disaster.)

    The stakes are that Jake's willing to give up his old team (his friends) just so he can play on the #1 team. In other words, winning is everything (or at least he thinks.) I'm not sure I can convey that.

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  5. Maybe you can blend Harold and the second place team, even though he only played once. The logline does not have to accurately portray every detail of fact from the story, some creative liberties are up to your discretion. Perhaps something like this, where the important ideas come through, along with the stakes:

    Twelve-year-old Jake is D-O-N-E with his best friend Harold. Sure Harold’s a genius when it comes to baseball trivia and Algebra -- but he also has Asperger’s and a knack for ruining Jake’s social life. When Jake gets a chance to play shortstop for the undefeated Comets, he'll get his chance to ditch Harold and the rest of his second place team -- unless winning isn't everything, after all.

    That's probably way too long, but maybe it will jiggle a few ideas loose. Best wishes! This sounds like a terrific story.

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  6. I love the premise of this story!! I already feel for Harold and I haven't even read the first page yet.
    Agree with adding stakes, although it sounds like Jake wants to lose his best friend (at least he thinks he does), so maybe the stakes aren't just losing his best friend, maybe it's the fact he realizes he doesn't *want* to, but it might be too late.

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  7. That's really good, y'all!

    How would you like to write my query?

    THANKS!

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  8. Also agree with adding the stakes. This sounds like a great story and you inject a lot of voice into your logline. Best of luck!

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  9. Is this a story about friendship - beyond all challenges? I get everything but the bit about Asperger's...Guh. If Harold is 'built' this way...is it fair for Jake to be D-O-N-E with him - especially as his best friend? Perhaps I'm being too 'literal'...For me, it feels like the only piece of your puzzle that didn't seem to fit was Asperger's character trait for Harold...the rest of the story seems fitting and excitingly MG. I may not start out liking Jake very much, but if his character arc reaches up and around to 'accepting' Harold as his best friend - no matter what - then you're definitely on the right path!

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