Thursday, November 1, 2012

Last Call Logline #2

Round 3 Original Post #32

Title: The Ones
Genre: YA Sci-Fi

It's not just the class bad boy's deep, sensitive eyes making Mina so obsessed: They're numerological soulmates, powerful 'double elevens.' When their Physics professor harnesses their energy to open doors between eleven parallel universes, the pair is torn from this world. Now, they must find their way home—in spite of the holes that keep ripping between dimensions each time they kiss. 

12 comments:

  1. I love this! The only spot I had an issue with is the colon; I think all you need there is a period. Otherwise, it's good to go, as far as I can tell. Good luck!

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  2. I like this version! The only hesitation I have is that "They're" isn't completely clear and could seem to refer to his eyes. Maybe use their names instead? Or say, "he's her numerological soulmate" ? I know it's really difficult with the word limit. IMO, this is so close!

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  3. Thank you so much (from the author)! So, for any future commenters, something like this for the first two lines of the above?

    It's not just the class bad boy's deep, sensitive eyes making Mina so obsessed. The two are numerological soulmates, powerful 'double elevens.'

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  4. I'm going to pick on your title because I think it needs to be top-notch to catch the agent's attention :)

    "The Ones" sounds cliche to me. Maybe something like "Double Elevens"? Something catchy-er.

    It's a little long. Also, I tripped over the phrase class bad boy. Deep sensitive eyes come off as cliche. Maybe use one descriptor for each character and then use their name?

    Also, I think physics in this sense is not capitalized.

    I hope this helps - good luck with BD!

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  5. That's interesting. The original title was "11:11." Because of the double elevens, obvs. And b/c the characters can only travel each day at 11:11, the hour of maximum interdimensional transparency;)

    Do others share Jessica's feelings? I don't feel resistant to changing it. It's just that heretofore I'd actually gotten pretty good feedback on the title "The Ones." I liked the ooky spookiness of it, plus the significance of the person you feel destined for being The One. ..

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  6. I like "The Ones" for the reasons you mention, and your new version is perfect, with "The two are..." The length seems fine to me, but make sure you stay within 310 total words. I just re-read the guidelines and now mine is over the limit! The split is suggested as 60 words for the logline and 250 for the page, but the formula is up to you, as long as it's 310 total -- at least that's how I read the rules.

    Your new logline rocks! Best wishes! : )

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  7. I don't have a problem with the title "The Ones" and I love the concept and logline for your novel. But I find myself tripping over the very beginning of the log line: "It's not just the class bad boy's deep, sensitive eyes making Mina so obsessed"

    Maybe something like this:

    When Mina obsesses over the class bad boy it's not because he's just hot, it's because they're numerological soul mates--powerful 'double elevens.'

    Best of luck with BD!

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  8. I also stumble on the beginning of the log line, especially 'the class bad boy's deep, sensitive eyes'. The rest of it is great. Best of luck!

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  9. I will not give up! Okay, here's another stab:

    Turns out, there’s good reason for Mina’s growing obsession with the darkly handsome new transfer student. They’re numerological soulmates, powerful ‘double elevens.’ When their physics teacher harnesses their energy to open doors between eleven parallel universes, the pair is torn from this world. Now, they must find their way home--in spite of holes that keep ripping between dimensions every time they kiss.

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  10. I think you've got it! :)

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  11. It keeps getting better and better! The new lead sentence is more active and descriptive, we get a better sense of this darkly handsome heart-throb. The construction is stronger and more clear, too. If you need two extra words for your excerpt, you can take out "Turns out," but I'd leave them in for voice if you have ample word count space. One tiny tweak would be to give your em dash a bit more breathing room, maybe just my preference, so it's not jammed up against the letters: "...way home -- in spite..." Of course it will probably look better as a cut and paste from Word vs. two dashes.

    Terrific revision! Best wishes. : )

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  12. Tag, you're "It." : )

    Please stop by #9 and let me know if you think my revision is too spare. Your earlier comments were helpful and I would appreciate another look, if you can. : )

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