TITLE: Rachel On Fire
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Rachel must travel to a small university town with her older brother Alex, and live with their quirky Aunt Millie for the summer. Armed with her favorite book, her journal and a healthy supply of chocolate, she knows that the summer will be one of the worst yet. Until Tom sits beside her on the bus. Tom - a loner at her high school rumored to have killed his parents in a house fire. Tom - a janitor by day, murderer by night. But those blue eyes. Those full lips. Are they really the makings of a cold-blooded killer? A kiss proves to Rachel that there is much more to Tom than anyone knows. Her body is drawn to him as much as her mind. Turns out, he's going to the same town she is. The truths that Rachel will uncover and embrace as she moves through a fiery series of firsts – first kiss, first make-out, first sex - with Tom exemplify her courageous fall into love.
This reads more like a query to me than a logline, remember that for the Bakers Dozen contest, if that is what you plan to use this for, only takes 60 words for a logline and that is being VERY generous. I would focus on only naming one character, in this case Rachel as she seems like your MC, and tell me whats at steak and how she will figure it out. Just my opinion, but good luck.
ReplyDeleteMichelle (Post #13)
You can pare this down by describing Tom in less detail. You need some specifics, but words like "gorgeous" and "mysterious" will give a good feel for his character. In your last line, try to re-work it so you don't need "exemplify." It sounds too scholarly, like a college paper, vs. using voice. : )
ReplyDeleteAlso, some lines work well for a longer query, but are too much in this short space. For example: Armed with her favorite book, her journal and a healthy supply of chocolate, she knows that the summer will be one of the worst yet. You can eliminate this and go straight into, "When Tom sits next to her..."
Best wishes, this sounds mysterious and exciting!
Ditto what Michelle said. Try to limit it to only what's absolutely important for the reader to get the gist of the story.
ReplyDeleteLike skywriter said, maybe start with something like this....
ReplyDeleteWhen Rachel falls for the cute boy on the bus she has to decide if the rumors about him killing his parents are true.
I agree with Michelle, about the length and it sounding more like a query. You state the conflict , you just need to pare away the extraneous details to make it stand out more. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteHow's this:
ReplyDeleteAlmost seventeen-year-old Rachel gets burned by a kiss. A kiss that proves there is much more to Tom than anyone knows.Tom - a loner rumored to have killed his parents in a house fire. But those blue eyes and full lips - are they really the makings of a cold-blooded killer? Or the makings of a true love that has Rachel on fire?
Taking the comments from last round, and from this one...it seems like the mystery of my story is clear...It feels like I'm having trouble getting the 'first love' portion into the log line. Essentially, this is a love story wrapped in a mystery...not the other way around.
Is it not good to have questions in a logline?! Should I not be more definitive? Is true love too much a cliche these days?!
Thanks everyone!!!
I am critiquing your new logline above.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's usually not a good idea to have questions in a logline. Also, loglines are 1-2 sentences. I actually think the second and third sentences of your new logline could be combined, like this: A kiss that proves there is much more to Tom - a loner rumored to have killed his parents in a house fire - than anyone knows.
The last two sentences could be combined too, and it's actually not a bad rhetorical question. But to be on the safe side, maybe you should make it into a regular sentence.
Hope that helps :)