Monday, December 17, 2012

Hangover Round 1 Entry #26


Lost in purgatory and seeking entrance into the gates of heaven, sixteen-year-old Katie must endure the five stages of grief to live in eternal peace or risk the horror of capture by the elusive Wanderling and be damned to darkness forever.

My eyes open wide in panic, the flood of my heartbeat in my ears momentarily overriding all other sound.
            “Help me!” My screams fall flat on the wooden walls that trap me. I kick out my legs, wincing with pain when they strike the solid walls of the coffin. The touch of the cool fabric that covers my bare skin sending me even further into a blind panic.
            “Oh God, Oh God…HELP ME!” I pull and claw at the cloth, the muted squeaking of the lid as it slowly opens causing me to stop suddenly.
            “Hello?” My only answer is the rustle of the trees far overhead. The wall of dirt stretches upward farther than I think I can climb.
            The shadow moves silently, the dusting of broken dirt from the flick of his tail alerting me to his presence. My back rigid, I grip the edges of the box struggling to swallow my gasps for air. My heartbeat continues to pound in my ears as I ease myself back into the coffin, the fear of the outside greater to me than the fear of this tomb. I watch the rolling black clouds as they rush across the sky above leaving a trail of gray mist behind. Only my eyes move as I watch the animal from below. His tail continuing to flick over the graveside, his enormous body casting a magnified shadow on the mountain of dirt above.             

         “Who are you?” I ask the question so softly that I doubt even my lips move. 


  1. Huh. I almost kept going because I wasn't sure if this might be a bit too religious for my tastes (subjective). But then for some reason I read your page.

    It's really creepy, it is. I love it when I'm reading a scene and what happens surprises me. Buried alive in a coffin would not have kept me reading, but a scary creature above her grave caught me off guard and that's one of my favorite things. You got me with the page, I'd for sure keep reading.

  2. I'm a little confused, is she dead, or is she buried alive? I thought the first page was a little bit overwritten. Too many references to her heartbeat, and things happening "suddenly" and "silently." I think if you toned it down a little it would be more suspenseful. Good luck!

  3. I'm with A Little Push about being confused about whether she's dead or buried alive--if you could make that more obvious, it would be great. You've also got some formatting issues going on, so I'd look into that. Example:

    "I kick out my legs, wincing with pain when they strike the solid walls of the coffin. The touch of the cool fabric that covers my bare skin sending me even further into a blind panic."

    The second sentence is just a continuation of the first, because of the "sending," so I'd separate them with a comma instead of a period; having it the way you do made me stumble.

    But anyway, this is really creepy and suspenseful, and the premise sounds super intriguing. Good luck!

  4. I really like the descriptions you use and I agree with the other posters about the delightful creepiness. My one nitpick would be that I got confused when the coffin opened. I had to go back and read it again. I feel like if you were really trapped in a coffin and the top suddenly opened and you felt a cool breeze, you'd jump the heck outta there, not stop and wait around. She was clawing so desperately, wouldn't her hands keep moving out in the open air? I guess what I'd like is for the moment the coffin opens to be more significant.
    Great job!