Monday, December 17, 2012

Hangover Round 1 Entry #31

Title: DRAGONEER
Genre: Upper Middle Grade Fantasy
 
When a young princess is chosen to work alongside a peacekeeping dragon she sets out on a personal quest for greatness. However learning about life beyond the castle walls, and her own father’s betrayal, is a reality check for a magical girl.
 
            The Medina Hatching Festival was in full swing as Princess Reyna and her mother were gently handed up the steps to their viewing box in front of the dragons’ nest.  The whole square was decorated with bright fabrics and fresh flowers.  Lively music was playing in the distance but the area near the eggs was kept quiet.  Chirping could be heard from inside the large rocklike eggs as the babies were impatient to emerge.

            “How are you enjoying the festival,” asked King Leon, Reyna's father, as she took her seat at his side.

            Reyna took in the noisy crowd, the smell of festival foods that were so tempting her mouth watered, and the feeling of frivolity in the air.  She loved any chance to be outside the castle walls but this was special.

            "It is wonderful," she said excitedly. “I always love seeing the new dragons. I hope this will be as exciting as last year. One boy was only sixteen and two girls were chosen. That is the most in a long time."

            "The dragons always surprise us," her father agreed. “But the girls usually do not become the warriors that the boys do. They will farm or guard the eggs or some such thing.”

            Reyna ignored the comment. His social standards would not ruin this for her. She knew her father thought talk of dragons and fighting was not right for a gently reared princess. Proper ladies should focus on music or embroidery or some other genteel hobby.

5 comments:

  1. I would add a comma in your logline after "dragon." Also, I think you're missing stakes. Why is she seeking greatness? And what will happen if she fails?

    Your first paragraph is very passive. You have a to be verb in every sentence. You could easiy liven it up with more descriptive verbs. "The whole square was decorated with bright fabrics and fresh flowers." could be "Bright fabrics and fresh flowers adorned the square."

    Good luck!

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  2. Ditto A Little Push, on all counts. I love the idea that she's pushing for girl empowerment and all that, though, and I love how you open straight into such an interesting scene. :) Good luck!

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  3. Attempt 2 for the Log Line

    When a young princess is chosen to work alongside a peacekeeping dragon, no one believes the sheltered teen could possibly succeed. Determined to prove everyone wrong she sets out on a personal quest for greatness. However, learning about life beyond the castle walls, and her own father’s betrayal of the dragons, is a reality check for a magical girl.

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  4. The new logline is much better Sumbee. I also like the scene you're opening with and the idea is good. You're painting it well with color, sound, smell. Talking of which, to tighten the 3rd par I'd cut '....that were so tempting her mouth watered..'. Also I think the last par has too many 'gently' or 'genteels'.

    I'm going to second what A Little Push said about the passive voice. I also think the dialogue comes across as a bit unnatural. It's being used to info dump but doesn't give a feel for personality.

    Good luck with this.

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  5. I agree with A Little Push and the others. And to help the dialogue, contractions can be our friends. Sometimes as simple a change as turning IT IS into IT'S can make a stuffy sentence just roll off the tongue and actually sound like how someone would speak. Of course, your characters are royal and may be prone to speaking super proper :) but if the princess really is young, she might slip up every so often?

    The new logline is better but a bit too wordy. Try to cut down and tighten it up.

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