Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Hangover Round 2 Entry #11

TITLE: AMELIA AND THE OTHER WORLDS
GENRE: MG FANTASY

12 year old Amelia travels between parallel worlds and befriends a boy she soon suspects is behind the destruction of several of the alternate realities.


My dog Rigby is dead. But I stare over at the maple tree like maybe she’ll run out from behind it anyway.

I kick at a clump of leaves, then slowly rake them into a pile.

“Amelia, you okay?” Dad asks. He drops a bag of leaves to lift me in a hug, rubbing his scratchy chin against my face.

My little sister Gracie glances over, but she’s only making sure no one catches her texting. When Dad lets me go, I spot a tennis ball in the leaves. Another reminder of Rigby. The smell of smoke comes from the chimneys of houses along our street on a cold gust that whips the tree branches. Mom isn’t watching, so I hurry to snatch Rigby’s tennis ball and shove it in my sweatshirt.

“Going to the bathroom,” I say. The second the basement door closes and I’m out of sight, I sprint to the first floor and up another flight of stairs to my room.

I hide the tennis ball in my secret box under a pile of sweaters in my closet, then collapse into my old green chair in the corner. I feel empty—like most of me went with Rigby when she died.

My cat Eleanor leaps from the boards and bricks I’ve stacked to make a bookcase and prances across the room to jump in my lap. She touches her orange and black paw to my face. She’s the only one in my family who understands. 

5 comments:

  1. You've placed us well in this scene. The description is easy to envisage and understand while being emotionally true and touching.

    I was wondering if she was going to travel to an alternate world when she goes inside? If so, maybe you could hint at it to carry us forward into the story?

    Things that crossed my mind: I stare, I kick - are there better ways to say these? Isn't she too big to be picked up by her father? While it's a really nice action to have the father do, some 12 yr olds can be pretty big and heavy and it took me out of the story a moment. Also juxtaposed beside the younger sister texting, it seems like the ages are inverted.

    Good job, keep writing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Logline:
    What is the decision Amelia must face and what is at stake based upon her decision?

    Excerpt:
    The opening paragraph could be reworked.
    The rest of the scene tells us where everyone else is and what they are doing, but I’m not sure that is essential to the story. You do a good job showing how distraught Amelia is over the loss of her dog, but I’d like to see what else is going on with her. Keep the action moving.

    And I agree with Ms. Dunn about the dad picking her up (I have a 12-yr-old daughter...her dad does pick her up in a hug sometimes but it is never an easy, fluid movement) and the younger sibling texting.

    Thanks for sharing & good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've pasted the full entry, adding comments and edits in brackets as I go:

    logline:
    12 year old Amelia travels between parallel worlds and befriends a boy she soon suspects is behind the destruction of several of the alternate realities. [I don't get a sense of urgency. what if Amely escapes a difficult life int he alternate realities, the boy becomes her only true friend, then she realizes he's destroying the realities that are her only haven from the harshness of her life, something like that to heighten the stakes and the conflict]


    My dog Rigby is dead. But I stare over at the maple tree like maybe she’ll run out from behind it anyway.

    I kick at a clump of leaves, then slowly rake them into a pile.

    “Amelia, you okay?” Dad asks. He drops a bag of leaves to lift me in a hug, rubbing his scratchy chin against my face.

    My little sister Gracie glances over, but she’s only making sure no one catches her texting [nice!]. When Dad lets me go, I spot a tennis ball in the leaves. Another reminder of Rigby. {A cold gust whips the tree branches, bringing the smell of smoke from the chimneys of the houses along our street. Mom isn’t watching, so I hurry to snatch Rigby’s tennis ball and shove it in my sweatshirt.

    “Going to the bathroom,” I say. The second the basement door closes and I’m out of sight, I sprint to the first floor and up another flight of stairs to my room.

    I hide the tennis ball in my secret box under a pile of sweaters in my closet, then collapse into my old green chair in the corner. I feel empty—like most of me went with Rigby when she died.

    My cat Eleanor leaps from the boards and bricks I’ve stacked to make a bookcase and prances across the room to jump in my lap. She touches her orange and black paw to my face. She’s the only one in my family who understands.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your Log line gives us an interesting situation, but doesn't give us the dramatic consequence. What's in it for Amelia? Grab us and pull us in with the stakes. Can you close the gap between the emotional place of your Protag losing her dog and the actual story line? "My dog Rigby is dead. But I stare over at the maple tree like maybe she’ll run out from behind it anyway. How was I to know that her death would..." The scene with her father is nice but has less impact than your first sentence. Unless her connection with her family is important to the story, delete it because her connection seems more important.

    I'd like to read more.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Spice up that logline, draw us in:) Seems a little big long to get into the story, perhaps move us a long or hint at what is to come? Young people will relate to the loss of a pet. I like the way the story starts, but perhaps hinting at what she thinks happened and then coming back to the other feelings later would liven it up. I was anxious to find out about the parallel world, an exciting premise:)

    ReplyDelete