Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Hangover Round 2 Entry #13

TITLE: Faithless Rose
GENRE: YA Paranormal

Killed at the hands of King Henry VIII’s men and brought back to life as a succubus, seventeen-year-old Amelia Godwin cannot change her fate. She can, however, change that of her kidnapped twin brother - if only she can find him. But that could be difficult as she finds herself being hunted and must save herself before finding her brother.
 

Snapping my fingers, light erupted from them like several candles glowing brightly, allowing me to see better in the dark.  The pain in my twin brother’s heart echoed, calling me to him like a beacon of despair. The cold stairs creaked under my feet as I made my way down the dark corridors of my house and into the library that still smelled of smoke and ale from my going away soiree that evening. I found it quickly, the book called ‘Utopia’. A gentle pull and I found myself in the warm glow of light reaching up to me from the secret cellar behind the shelves.
            
My fingers slid along the cold stone walls as I wound my way to the bottom of the staircase. I softly knocked then pushed open the old wooden door that creaked slightly as I entered. 
            
The room was truly marvelous with shelves full of multi colored potions, dried herbs and books of magic. Numerous candelabras and a small fire place were lit around the room illuminating the darkness.
            
He sat by the fireplace in deep contemplation, full of power and brilliance.
            
"I’m here,” I spoke to him with no words as I made my way to him and sat at his feet.
            
His smile, though weak, soothed my soul and I reveled in our connection as he gently stroked my hair.
            
“Don’t go to London tomorrow,” he finally spoke. “I can’t protect you if you go.”
            
"Protect me from what?”
            
“Darkness!”

4 comments:

  1. Lori A. Goldstein @_lagoldDecember 27, 2012 at 1:56 PM

    The logline starts off great but then you use "find" three times at the end and the punch is gone. I do remember reading this a while back though and this is much improved.

    As for the first 250, I think you'd be well-served to cut the first graph. The second paragraph draws me in MUCH more. Weave some -- but you definitely don't need all of it -- into what follows.

    Also, take a look for copy editing. You have fire place and fireplace. Multicolored is one word, commas aren't consistent. I'm a copy editor by trade so I can't help but see these things!

    Love the premise. Good luck

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  2. Logline:
    Character – Amelia Godwin, succubus, formerly 17-yrs-old
    Conflict – twin brother is kidnapped
    Decision – rescue him or not?
    Stakes – death for her? and her brother death?

    I’m not sure the decision or stakes are clearly stated in this logline. The use of the word find is repetitive and should be changed. This is a good start but not quite there.

    Excerpt:

    Watch the –ly adverbs.

    I agree with Ms. Goldstein about starting with the second paragraph.

    Is she a succubus at the start of the story or still alive and human? If I was just a reader, having not seen the logline, I would assume she is human…but magical since she can ignite candles with a mere snap.

    The guy she goes to…is that her brother? It isn’t said who he is and I am wondering. At first, I thought she was being pulled to her brother and she mentions their connection…but then he strokes her hair which seems…wrong…for a brother to do.

    The last line: “Darkness!” gave me a feeling of cheesiness. If I’d been reading this in a printed book, I’d still turn the page but I know I would’ve done an eyeroll at that.

    Otherwise, I enjoyed this excerpt and would (as I said) read on.

    Thanks for sharing & good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think the last sentence of the logline could flow more smoothly. I think you can streamline some, and focus more on why brother is kidnapped. In my mind I think he will also be turned into a succubus, but why? How are their fates entwined and why are they being turned into succubi?

    first 250:
    in general, I was interested and would like to know more. I agree the darkness response sounded cheesy, come up with something we haven't heard before.
    Specifically:(I just edited a bit as I read through, omitting a few words and marking changes in [brackets].)
    Snapping my fingers, light erupted from [their tips] like several [glowing] candles, allowing me to see better in the dark. The pain in my twin brother’s heart echoed {echoed where? in her chest? in the darkness?}, calling me to him like a beacon [mixed metaphor, echoes are sound, then beacon is light, i'd stick with echoes which are more dispairing} of despair. The cold stairs creaked under my feet as I made my way down the dark corridors of my house and into the library that still smelled of smoke and ale from my going away soiree that evening. I found it quickly, the book called ‘Utopia’{this confused me, have her run her finger along a shelf of books, find the book, and press it in or something. As written I imagined her finding the book on a table, since it wasn't stated, and then suddenly she was in a secret door}. A gentle pull and I found myself in the warm glow of light reaching up to me from the secret cellar behind the shelves.

    My fingers slid along the cold stone walls as I wound my way to the bottom of the staircase. I softly knocked then pushed open the old wooden door that creaked slightly as I entered.

    The room was truly marvelous with shelves full of multi colored potions, dried herbs and books of magic. Numerous candelabras and a small fire place were {grammar is right, but sounds awkward with the plural candelabras and single fire, I'd leave out fireplace, as it's mentioned in the next sentence.} lit around the room illuminating the darkness.

    He sat by the fireplace in deep contemplation, full of power and brilliance {how can she tell he's full of power and brilliance? show it in some way how she recognizes this}.

    "I’m here,” I spoke to him with no words as I made my way to him and sat at his feet.

    His smile, though weak, soothed my soul and I reveled in our connection as he gently stroked my hair.

    “Don’t go to London tomorrow,” he finally spoke. “I can’t protect you if you go.”

    "Protect me from what?”

    “Darkness!”

    ReplyDelete
  4. Streamline and rework the logline- great premise, but didn't grab me as much as I know it can. Great premise! Also, for me, too much tagging as the characters spoke. Tighten this up and I think it will flow better. Great start to building tension:)

    ReplyDelete