Nice premise, good writing and YA voice. I feel like you got a lot in in a small space and gave us a protag we can get our emotional hooks into.
Nitpicks: In the first par I would cut the sentence beginning 'each click...'not only because of the double up of the word 'forward' but because it repeats what you have succinctly said before.
I thought 'chalk shrieked' was just one decibel too loud.
For what seems like a complicated story, you've been able to whittle your logline down to the bare necessities. What a feat! But for some reason after 'harness their energy' it seems like hard work to follow. But that's me and my limited neurons so....
Overall I can see where this is going and you started at the right place. Oh, and I liked Mr Sykes smart dialogue.
I loved your MC's voice and found myself able to read fluidly through and wanted more. Your descriptions such as how the clock 'Zombie-walked" and "gut's swirl like a chocolate-vanilla twist' were amazing!
I agree with Ms. Dunn that the second description of the time 'each click...' could go and you would still get the same effect since the first sentence was so solid.
Overall this sounds like a great story and I know I would be interested in reading further. Good Luck!
The logline is too long. It makes for a good query paragraph, but a logline is supposed to be one (or two) sentence(s) long and in the range of 25-50 words…the shorter the better. It should include Character (Mina & transfer student—Nico, I’m assuming), Conflict (torn from this world when doors between parallel universes are opened), Decision (?find their way home?), and Stakes (death by hit men/ripping space).
For the excerpt:
The first sentence is great. Has voice, puts you in the setting, gives you a sense of the character’s feelings.
The second sentence is repetitive in both the idea and the use of the word ‘forward’. Just delete it.
The rest was good. On the sentence “One look at the guy…” remove the ‘I felt’ which is telling and just say “One look at the guy and my guts swirled like a chocolate-vanilla twist.”
That’s all I have as suggestions. Good job & good luck!
Nice premise, good writing and YA voice. I feel like you got a lot in in a small space and gave us a protag we can get our emotional hooks into.
ReplyDeleteNitpicks: In the first par I would cut the sentence beginning 'each click...'not only because of the double up of the word 'forward' but because it repeats what you have succinctly said before.
I thought 'chalk shrieked' was just one decibel too loud.
For what seems like a complicated story, you've been able to whittle your logline down to the bare necessities. What a feat! But for some reason after 'harness their energy' it seems like hard work to follow. But that's me and my limited neurons so....
Overall I can see where this is going and you started at the right place. Oh, and I liked Mr Sykes smart dialogue.
I loved your MC's voice and found myself able to read fluidly through and wanted more. Your descriptions such as how the clock 'Zombie-walked" and "gut's swirl like a chocolate-vanilla twist' were amazing!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ms. Dunn that the second description of the time 'each click...' could go and you would still get the same effect since the first sentence was so solid.
Overall this sounds like a great story and I know I would be interested in reading further. Good Luck!
The logline is too long. It makes for a good query paragraph, but a logline is supposed to be one (or two) sentence(s) long and in the range of 25-50 words…the shorter the better. It should include Character (Mina & transfer student—Nico, I’m assuming), Conflict (torn from this world when doors between parallel universes are opened), Decision (?find their way home?), and Stakes (death by hit men/ripping space).
ReplyDeleteFor the excerpt:
The first sentence is great. Has voice, puts you in the setting, gives you a sense of the character’s feelings.
The second sentence is repetitive in both the idea and the use of the word ‘forward’. Just delete it.
The rest was good. On the sentence “One look at the guy…” remove the ‘I felt’ which is telling and just say “One look at the guy and my guts swirled like a chocolate-vanilla twist.”
That’s all I have as suggestions. Good job & good luck!