Sunday, January 27, 2013

January Test Run #9

Title: The Girl From Tanya's Dream
Genre: MG Paranormal


"NO!" Tanya called out as she sat up in bed.  

Her flannel pajamas clung to her back like a magnet to the fridge. The
fear racing through her body turned her stomach into a pile of knots.
It couldn't be anything but a dream, could it?

She stared at the magazine on her nightstand that she'd been reading
before bed. It said  that if you dreamt something more than five times
it ended up coming true. And if that was the case, then trouble had
come knocking on her door.

While the sun peeked around the curtains, Tanya turned on the lamp
next to her bed and reached for the journal on her nightstand. Her
fingers traced the stitching on the spine of the brown leather book.
Three weeks ago, it'd been a gift from her mother for her eleventh
birthday, April the thirteenth. It happened to be the third time
Tanya's birthday had fallen on a Friday. The first being the day she'd
been born. While this last birthday had started out just like all the
others, it didn't end that way. That night the dreams had started.

The first dream haunted Tanya, etched in her memory like words into
marble. She'd had the same dream twenty-one nights in a row. It had to
be a record of some sort.

After the first week she began to jot the dreams down in her journal.
Four different dreams repeated themselves, but only the first one
occurred nightly.

6 comments:

  1. Love the writing style, but I'm not big on the scene itself that you've chosen to open with. There are so many books that open with such similar scenes--character waking up in bed and thinking about her dreams--that it didn't really capture me. I love how her birthday fell on Friday the thirteenth, though, and how she used the magazine to figure out that something's funky with her dreams; you've got some great details in here. If you could just find a different, more unique scene to open with, I think you'd have a great story here. :)

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  2. I think this is very visual, again, as the comment above states, I hear so often how (thought only talking about a dream) dreams are not the way to open the novel. Keep writing and maybe, later, see what presents better for the story as the introduction scene. best luck with this.

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  3. I really love the premise of this story but I think you're opener just needs some tweaking (see another option below). I really like it and would like to see where you take it.


    Twenty-one nights!

    Fear coursed through her and clamped down on her stomach. Tonya’s sweaty flannel pajama’s clung to her back as she reached for the journal on her nightstand. Twenty-one nights with the same dream, it had to be a record of some sort.

    Tanya flipped the switch on the lamp and spied the magazine she’d read the night before. One of the articles she read said, ‘if you dreamt something more than five times it ended up coming true.’ If that was the case then trouble was knocking on her door.

    Her fingers traced the stitching on the spine of the brown leather journal. It'd been a gift from her mother for her eleventh birthday, three weeks ago on April the thirteenth. It happened to be the third time Tanya's birthday had fallen on a Friday. The first being the day she'd been born. While this last birthday had started out just like all the others, it didn't end that way. That was the night the dreams started.

    Etched in her memory like words into marble, the first dream still haunted Tanya. She began to jot them down in her journal after the first week. Four different dreams repeated themselves, but only the first one came night after night.

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  4. Completely agree with the comments on the MC waking up from a dream. Also, you could eliminate every use of the word "that" and have much tighter sentences. I really like how S.A. Hussey rewrites your 4th paragraph because it sounds much more clear and aimed for a MG audience.

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  5. I like this. I especially like your line "pajamas clung to her back like a magnet to the fridge." However, I do agree with what the others have said about not starting with waking up/dreams. Maybe you could start with her reading the magazine article? Or reading the article and discussing it with a friend? (I don't know if that works into your book at all, it's just a thought)

    Good luck!

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  6. Thanks everyone. SA Hussey, I really like how you've rearranged the beginning. It really pops much better. Again, thanks.

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