Sunday, October 20, 2013

Prep Work Bonus Round #2


TITLE: TWIST OF FATE
GENRE: NA Time Travel Romance/Historical Fantasy (?)

LOGLINE:  Modern goddess Pandia is sentenced by Zeus to community service in Pompeii, where a mishap with an official lands her in the local amphitheater’s center ring, a sword in her hand, and a swarthy gladiator by her side.  To escape Pompeii, Pandia will have to prove she’s learned her lesson, but helping mortals is harder than she thought, especially when they expect her to kill one, and Mt. Vesuvius is rumbling.
 
FIRST 250:
 
If I hadn’t gone to a party with Aphrodite, I wouldn’t have flirted with Julius Caesar, and pissed off Cleopatra.  Cleo wouldn’t have complained to Hera, my step-mother, and I wouldn’t be in deep shit with my father, Zeus.
 
 “Pandia. Do you know why I’ve called you before me today?” Daddy’s voice echoed in the Great Hall.  The conversation around us ceased, and the abrupt silence gave the place a shivery feel, reminiscent of a morgue. 
 
“Umm, no.” I traced the pattern on a marble tile with my peep-toed Manolo and avoided his eyes.  When in doubt, pretend you don’t know what in Hades he’s talking about.
 
“You’ve done it again.” He sighed like a planet crushed his shoulders, and ran his hand through his curly white hair. “When will you learn you can’t indulge yourself with whomever you please?”
 
I peeked at him through my lashes.  No sparkle in his dark eyes or grin to indicate teasing.
 
“I was bored.” My words rushed out. “There’s nothing to do here except watch sprites bathe in the fountains and trolls challenge each other to duels.  Aphrodite and I wanted to have fun.”
 
“You’re twenty.  A goddess.  You should do what the other young goddesses do: perfect your vocation.”
 
“My vocation is asinine.” I scowled at him.  “Goddess of Light. What in Hades does it mean?  Apollo has the sun and lightening wrapped up.  The stars belong to Astraeus.  What’s left for me? Nothing. I’m not even Goddess of the Light Bulb.”

9 comments:

  1. I already said this was fabulous, so I won't dwell on that. I like how you fixed the logline and pages. Good luck!

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  2. Thank you, Patchi. Do you think it's too long with the additions? I wanted to raise the stakes and show better why it's so bad she ends up in the amphitheater, but still keep some humor, if possible, since there's humor in the book.

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  3. You could have "a sword in hand and swarthy gladiator by her side". I feel that gets rid of a few unnecessary words. The killing mortals thing confused me. How does death help anyone? Could you just say "..helping mortals is harder than she thought, especially with Mount Vesuvius is rumbling"?

    Love your first 250!

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  4. Oooh, really like this logline, especially with the historical fact of Pompeii rumbling in the background.
    OK. That first line was groovy. Aphrodite, Cesar, and Cleopatra at one party. I'm sold. Nice, a peep-toed Manolo, I know this will be a modern tale. I enjoyed that page very much- sounds like a lot of fun. :)

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  5. I like what you've done to your logline.

    Yes I'd cut it slightly where I've put the brackets eg Modern goddess Pandia is sentenced by Zeus to community service in Pompeii, where ((a mishap with an official)) she lands ((her)) in the local amphitheater ((’s center ring, a)) sword in ((her)) hand, and a swarthy gladiator by her side. To escape Pompeii, Pandia will have to prove she’s learned her lesson, but helping mortals is harder than she thought, especially when they expect her to kill one, and Mt. Vesuvius is rumbling.

    Great writing in the 250. Good luck with this.

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  6. Good revisions from last round. Comments in parentheses.

    Modern goddess Pandia is sentenced by Zeus to community service in Pompeii, where a mishap with an official (I'd suggests cutting 'with an official' and adding a qualifier to the mishap) lands her in the local amphitheater’s (didn't Pompeii only have the one amphitheater?) center ring, a sword in her hand, and a swarthy gladiator by her side. To escape Pompeii, Pandia will have to prove she’s learned her lesson, but helping mortals is harder than she thought, especially when they expect her to kill one, and Mt. Vesuvius is rumbling.

    I am going to rewrite the last bits, but I don't mean to say this is better. I'm just trying to work out a different way to word this so that you might be able to add more concise info.

    ...lands her in the amphitheater with a sword in hand a swarthy gladiator by her side. To escape Pompeii before Mt. Vesuvius erupts, Panida will have to prove she's learned her lesson, but helping mortals is harder than she thought--especially when they expect her to fight one to the death.

    On that note, does she only have to fight once? And is she just leaving them their to being encased in lava? Not that these have to be answered in the logline, there just some things that it brings up.


    If I hadn’t gone to a party with Aphrodite, I wouldn’t have flirted with Julius Caesar, and pissed off Cleopatra. Cleo wouldn’t have complained to Hera, my step-mother, and I wouldn’t be in deep shit with my father, Zeus.

    “Pandia. (would he really address her by name, or is this just to give her a name?) Do you know why I’ve called you before me today?” Daddy’s voice echoed in the Great Hall. The conversation around us ceased, and the abrupt silence gave the place a shivery feel, reminiscent of a morgue.

    “Umm, no.” I traced the pattern on a marble tile with my peep-toed Manolo and avoided his eyes. When in doubt, pretend you don’t know what in Hades he’s talking about. (Good since you started it with her obviously knowing.)

    “You’ve done it again.” He sighed like a planet crushed his shoulders, and ran his hand through his curly white hair. “When will you learn you can’t indulge yourself with whomever you please?”

    I peeked at him through my lashes. No sparkle in his dark eyes or grin to indicate teasing.

    “I was bored.” My words rushed out. “There’s nothing to do here except watch sprites bathe in the fountains and trolls challenge each other to duels. Aphrodite and I wanted to have fun.” (Is there a reason you don't use 'said' at all?)

    “You’re twenty. A goddess. You should do what the other young goddesses do: perfect your vocation.”

    “My vocation is asinine.” I scowled at him. “Goddess of Light. What in Hades does it mean? Apollo has the sun and lightening wrapped up. The stars belong to Astraeus. What’s left for me? Nothing. I’m not even Goddess of the Light Bulb.” (This conversation is well paced and a good opening. It's easy to connect the logline to this 250.)

    Good job and good luck with this!

    Side note--love Roman history and Latin. Super excited to read this one day.

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  7. This does seem a little too long. I suggest cutting the bit about the official, as how she gets in the ring isn't necessary for the logline. Mt. Vesuvius is a nice touch, but again, is it necessary in the logline?

    When modern goddess Pandia is sentenced by Zeus to community service in Pompeii, she finds herself in the amphitheater with a sword in her hand, and a swarthy gladiator by her side. Pandia will have to prove she’s learned her lesson, but helping mortals is harder than she thought, especially when they expect her to kill one.

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  8. I like KayC's version of the first line, I'd just take out the second comma. However, I think you need Mt. Vesuvius to hike the stakes, so I would just take out "To escape Pompeii," from your original second sentence. Good luck!

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