Sunday, October 20, 2013

Prep Work Bonus Round #4


TITLE: Pox
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy

Logline: Isa and her dying brother flee the capitol after Isa kills a guard in self-defense and accidentally steals one of the King’s prized possessions. Armed with only the knowledge that one of the gods is still alive, Isa must find her and return her to power. If not for Isa’s neglected country, then for her ailing brother.

FIRST 250:
A traitor dangled from the meeting hall rafters. Blowflies and beetles hummed around him. They clung to the tattered frays of his King’s guard uniform and crawled over his bare feet. I tucked my nose into my shirt and wiggled my toes. My thin leather boots cracked.
Pity someone had already stolen his shoes.
I kicked a beetle across the floor. I’d never seen this room so empty. The view through the sewer grate was always crowded by boots with new recruit stamps on the heels. I used to sit under the grate and listen to the march of boots at the evening’s shift change. I’d catch a glance of the pair stomping off to storeroom duty. Then, I’d beat them there and snatch some food before inventory. This was the first time I’d ventured through the old grate.
The room I’d imagined was bigger, grander. This was the room recruits stepped into after swearing away their lives and kneeling before their noble patrons. I expected pomp. The only decoration was the hanged man.
That was one way to stop defection.
“Ill met,” I said with a mock salute.
He didn’t respond. All the better. I was too hungry to be in a talking mood. The soldiers he’d left behind were still doing their jobs—breaking up groups, closing the markets, and guarding the tribute wagons. The soldiers who’d gone to guard the barrack’s storehouse tonight were new and eager to please. They’d catch me in a wick.

6 comments:

  1. I think you did a great job setting the scene in the first page. I'm assuming she's taking a different route to the storeroom for the first time, but I don't know why she's decided to gross the grate. That's OK for now, but I hope to have an answer before whatever is supposed to happen does.

    One suggestion for the first page: My thin leather boots cracked [when I wiggled my toes]. Why did she wiggle her toes? Was it in response to the flies?

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  2. I don't have anything to add; Patchi beat me to my only questions.

    The humor in your 250 is well done.

    Best of luck with it!

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  3. Logline: Isa and her dying brother flee the capitol after Isa kills a guard in self-defense and accidentally (Maybe put accidentally in quotation so we know it's a joke. My first thought was: how do you accidentally steal something? Not LOL, like you'd want) steals one of the King’s prized possessions. Armed with only the knowledge that one of (her people's gods? the old gods? give us a little more detail) gods is still alive, Isa must find her and return her to power. If not for Isa’s neglected country, then for her ailing brother. (You could add "to save", but don't have to)

    FIRST 250:
    I kicked a beetle across the floor. I’d never seen this room so empty. The view through the sewer grate was always crowded by boots with new recruit stamps on the heels. I used to sit under the grate and listen to the march of boots at the evening’s shift change. I’d catch a glance of the pair stomping off to storeroom duty. Then, I’d beat them there and snatch some food before inventory. This was the first time I’d ventured through the old grate (A little confusion about the grates. You can explain later).
    The room I’d imagined was bigger, grander. This was the room recruits stepped into after swearing away their lives and kneeling before their noble patrons. I expected pomp. The only decoration was the hanged man.
    That was one way to stop defection. (Ha!)


    I like this!

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  4. Hi.
    I liked your 250 very much. It was an interesting scene and made me want to read more.
    I was a bit confused about the grates, but readers have mentioned that, so I'll leave it at that.
    I think your logline needs more work. I was confused with the reference to one of the gods. I can only imagine that the MC stole some kind of pendent or keepsake from the guard and was surprised to find it actually had a god inside it--like a genie in a lamp or something. Am I close to right? Even if I am, it still should be clarified.
    Best of luck!

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  5. I agree with Maura about the gods. The reference doesn't seem to relate to anything preceding it. In the 250 you have strong descriptive skills. I can so see that room. I'd really love one or two words about who he/she is (I'm getting a female vibe)...why she'd left the sewer. Was she a prisoner? Was she now free? Working for the king? Anything at all. Good luck!

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  6. I was confused with the logline. One minute you're fleeing with a dying brother and stolen property. The next you're looking for a god to save a neglected country. I actually have no idea what the story is about and the two snippets you've given me aren't related at all. I suggest you focus on what the problem/stakes are and what Isa's choice is.

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