Sunday, October 20, 2013

Prep Work Bonus Round #5

Title: ATTIE AND THE MONSTER BOOK
Genre: MG Magical Realism

LOGLINE: After twelve-year-old Attie Cohen receives a book about monsters from a mysterious family counselor, her siblings suddenly start morphing into deadly, supernatural beasts.  The trouble is they morph when their emotions flare, and with their parents' divorce approaching, emotions are constantly on high alert. Attie must do her best to stay alive, keep her siblings human, and get back to that family counselor for some answers before she gets into BIG trouble.


FIRST 250:


My sister’s a monster.  No, really.  The first time I saw her morph was back in December.  My parents had been arguing all day.  I’d tried every nook and cranny in the house, but it was no use; I couldn’t escape the sound of their annoying bickering.  So I finally left—just walked out the front door and made my way to the ravine. I hoped I might find some peace and quiet there.
Instead, I found my sister.
I was halfway down the steep slope when something hissed, “Get out of here, Attttttiiieee.”
Attie?  My name?  I looked around, and then I saw—it—her—Gracie.  She wasn’t so far away from me, but she was a good ten feet up in the air somehow magically attached to a tree.  Her skin was the color of a submarine, and bright blue veins covered her body.  They popped out along her arms and legs, making her look like some thirteen-year old girl version of the Hulk.  Her hair was sticking straight up over her head, and wrapped around the tree like it had sprouted a mind of its own and decided that today was the day it would finally merge with nature.  In other words: OMG.   My sister’s into fashion and being pretty and taking a bazillion hours in the bathroom each morning. This was the least pretty I’d ever seen her. And that’s counting the day she threw up five times.

7 comments:

  1. I like how your logline turned out. Some liitle changes I'd make:
    >> parents' [approaching] divorce
    >>emotions are constantly [high].
    >>before she gets into [monstrous] trouble.

    My problem with the first page is that it's a flashback. The logline says this all started with a book that Attie was given, so I'm wondering why you didn't start either at the councilor meeting or when Attie comes home with the book.

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  2. I love the changes you've made to your logline!

    I agree with Patchi about your first 250. Maybe try to avoid the flashback. But I like how it's written. It's funny and voice-y.

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  3. I enjoyed this logline and the promise of reading an emotionally rich monster adventure. I love the first 250. Great job with the visual of the sister as TreeHulk. Best of luck! Can't wait to read on. :)

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  4. Another great story idea- love it!

    I think your logline could go a tad smoother-

    After twelve-year-old Attie Cohen receives a book about monsters from a mysterious family counselor, her siblings suddenly start morphing into deadly, supernatural beasts. (when their emotions flare and then the next sentence can start with their parents divorcing so then you're only using emotions flare once) The trouble is they morph when their emotions flare, and with their parents' divorce approaching, emotions are constantly on high alert. Attie must do her best to stay alive, keep her siblings human, and get back to that family counselor for some answers before she gets into BIG trouble.

    Also- a teeny-tiny thing, I know some writers favor a space between sentences, but IMO it's distracting.

    Best wishes :)

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  5. You have great voice. And I like your logline right up to the last two words. They sound a bit cliched and I know you can do better...like what does the counselor know about her? Her family? Monsters? One little detail would do it.

    In the 250 I hadn't noticed the flashback but Patchi's probably right - it's better not to have it. I'd think its a pretty easy to fix - just turn it into real time :) Good writing, cute voice. Good luck.

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  6. I'm going to start out by saying that this revision is amazing after rereading what you did last week. It's voice-y and concise in all the right ways. However, I agree that it's odd to start with the sister already being a monster. Is it actually a flashback, or does the book start with the transformations and she only after realizes that it's the book? With this new logline it seemed more like the story starts with her getting the book, but if it starts with the monsters, I think working this style of writing into the scene of your original 250 would be amazing.

    Her discovering her monster sister with this voice and writing style would be super gripping and clear up where the story starts compared to the logline. That might be wrong. Opening with her skidding down the slope and no telling of why until later could work (monster sister would probably be sufficiently distracting). I only know what you've given us before, so take it with a grain of salt.

    Since your first 250 are so drastically different, I'll focus on the logline (but if you'd like, I can come back to comment on the 250 no problem (or a revision of this, too)).

    After twelve-year-old Attie Cohen receives a book about monsters from a mysterious family counselor, her siblings suddenly start morphing into deadly, supernatural beasts. The trouble is they morph when their emotions flare, and with their parents' divorce approaching, emotions are constantly on high alert. Attie must do her best to stay alive, keep her siblings human, and get back to that family counselor for some answers before she gets into BIG trouble.

    After twelve-year-old Attie is gifted a mysterious monster book, her siblings start morphing into deadly monsters whenever they get emotional. With their parents' looming divorce, Attie has to find a way to keep her siblings human before (what's at stake here?)(1. before they're stuck as monsters forever 2. before their parents find out 3. before monsters take over their lives)

    BIG trouble doesn't really work because that could entail anything. While the book is for MG, they're not going to be reading the logline. You're tone in the line is already fun and MG-ish. I think you could be more concise in the earlier lines and use the freed space to explain the stakes.

    So, what is the downside to the monster siblings? They kill each other? They kill other people? They stay monsters forever? Everyone laughs at their weird new horns and tree hair? I think adding the stakes will help make this logline more clear and enticing.

    Cheers and good luck!

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  7. I really like the L.M. Miller version. It streamlines the problem and focuses on what is to be solved/fixed. Where she got the book isn't relevant to the logline.

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