Sunday, October 20, 2013

Prep Work Bonus Round #6


TITLE: Fairy Cakes
GENRE: MG Magical Realism

LOGLINE: 

For eleven-year-olds Bobbie and Charlie, the first day of summer is the last day their lives won’t be sticky with frosting, stinky with the smell of brine, and enchanted by the magical world of fairies as they bake their town out from under a pickle spell.  

FIRST 250: 

Her stomach rumbling, eleven-year-old Bobbie crashed through the mudroom door, kicked off her sneakers, and tossed her backpack on the floor. Just a step behind her twin sister, Charlie entered the house, slipped off her ballet flats, and brought her lunch bag and homework into the kitchen looking for the note her mom left telling them when she’d be home.
Charlie and Bobbie squealed with surprised delight when they spotted a plate of perfectly frosted mini-cupcakes waiting for them in the center of the kitchen table. Bobbie broke into a run, elbowing Charlie to be the one to get there first.
Charlie savored a bite as Bobbie went in for seconds, but before she could snag another cupcake, their mom and dad, Anna and Jolly Hart, burst into the kitchen looking excited. 
 “We have big news,” Anna announced, her ponytail bobbing up and down.
“Maybe a bit more vanilla, just a smidge,” Jolly said.
“That doesn’t sound like big news,” Bobbie said eager for another cupcake.
“It actually does have to do with what we want to share with you,” Anna answered.
“What is it?” Bobbie asked licking some chocolate off her finger.
“We bought a bakery,” Anna declared, her voice squeaking. Jolly’s bearded grin reached up to his twinkling eyes.
“That’s cool,” Bobbie said as she thought of all the yummy treats she’d get to eat.
 “There’s more,” Jolly said.
 “It’s in Maine,” they said together. The old wooden clock on the kitchen wall counted ten seconds in the silence that followed.

6 comments:

  1. I love your logline and can’t suggest any changes.

    In your first 250; suggestions in ()


    Her stomach rumbling, eleven-year-old Bobbie crashed through the mudroom door, kicked off her sneakers, and tossed her backpack on the floor. Just a step behind her twin sister, Charlie entered the house, slipped off her ballet flats, and brought her lunch bag and homework into the kitchen looking for the note her mom left telling them when she’d be home. (maybe break this sentence up since there’s too much going on and the last part seems tagged on)
    Charlie and Bobbie squealed with surprised delight when they spotted a plate of perfectly frosted mini-cupcakes waiting for them in the center of the kitchen table. Bobbie broke into a run, elbowing Charlie to be the one to get there first.
    Charlie savored a bite as Bobbie went in for seconds, but before she could snag another cupcake, their mom and dad, Anna and Jolly Hart, burst into the kitchen looking excited. (any way to show how they looked excited, rather than telling us?)
    “We have big news,” Anna announced, her ponytail bobbing up and down. (this shows us, so maybe you don't need to say how they looked above)
    “Maybe a bit more vanilla, just a smidge,” Jolly said.
    “That doesn’t sound like big news,” Bobbie said(comma) eager for another cupcake.
    “It actually does have to do with what we want to share with you (this sounds awkward),” Anna answered.
    “What is it?” Bobbie asked licking some chocolate off her finger. (love the imagery)
    “We bought a bakery,” Anna declared, her voice squeaking. Jolly’s bearded grin reached up to his twinkling eyes.
    “That’s cool,” Bobbie said as she thought of all the yummy treats she’d get to eat.
    “There’s more,” Jolly said.
    “It’s in Maine,” they said together. The old wooden clock on the kitchen wall counted ten seconds in the silence that followed. (love this ending!)

    Best of luck with it.

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  2. This is adorable! I don't have anything to add to Martha's comments. Good luck!

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  3. Logline: For eleven-year-olds Bobbie and Charlie, the first day of summer is the last day their lives won’t be sticky with frosting, stinky with the smell of brine, and enchanted by the magical world of fairies as they bake their town out from under a pickle spell (Since you were talking about food, I imagined a real pickle. Were you talking about a real pickle?)

    FIRST 250:

    Her stomach rumbling, eleven-year-old Bobbie crashed through the mudroom door, kicked off her sneakers, and tossed her backpack on the floor. Just a step behind her twin sister, Charlie entered the house, slipped off her ballet flats, and brought her lunch bag and homework into the kitchen looking for the note her mom left telling them when she’d be home. (Wow, there's a lot happening in that paragraph. Maybe break it up)
    Charlie and Bobbie squealed with surprised delight when they spotted a plate of perfectly frosted mini-cupcakes waiting for them in the center of the kitchen table. Bobbie broke into a run, elbowing Charlie to be the one to get there first.
    Charlie savored a bite as Bobbie went in for seconds, but before she could snag another cupcake, their mom and dad, Anna and Jolly Hart (I don't think you need the names. Since this is from Bobbie's perspective, I'd just say Mom and Dad), burst into the kitchen looking excited (Show vs tell).

    I liked the rest. Good luck!

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  4. I got a little jumbled reading the logline. I liked the flow, only I needed to read it a couple times--could totally just be me. And is it a real pickle?

    Im also a little confused with: '“Maybe a bit more vanilla, just a smidge,” Jolly said.'
    I wondered if there was a large bowl of batter Jolly had tasted.

    I think the premise sound very sweet, indeed. Best of luck with this.

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  5. Hi.
    I'm more confused than the other readers. I couldn't figure out what your logline meant, or piece together what the action of the book was. I thought the characters might be fairies, and in a magical world, but then why would they want to bake themselves out of it? Who put the spell on the world? Is it really a pickle spell? And, if so, what does that mean?
    I thought your 250 needed work too. I put my questions and thoughts in parenthesis.

    Her stomach rumbling, eleven-year-old Bobbie crashed through the mudroom door, kicked off her sneakers, and tossed her backpack on the floor. (I love the girls' names--a surprise for me that they were girls.) Just a step behind(I think you need a comma here to help your reader) her twin sister, Charlie entered the house, slipped off her ballet flats, and brought her lunch bag and homework into the kitchen looking for the note her mom left telling them when she’d be home.
    Charlie and Bobbie squealed with surprised delight when they spotted a plate of perfectly frosted mini-cupcakes waiting for them in the center of the kitchen table. (Why do they both squeal with delight? It seems like such a gendered response when you might be working against that, given their names and the upcoming action of elbowing and running to get to the sweets.) Bobbie broke into a run, elbowing Charlie to be the one to get there first.
    Charlie savored a bite as Bobbie went in for seconds, (I'm not a fan of this first part of the sentence, although I'm not really sure why. I guess I can't see a 10 year old reader loving the phrasing) but before she could snag another cupcake, their mom and dad, Anna and Jolly Hart, burst into the kitchen looking excited. (This too seems like a sentence structured above the reading level. Not that they couldn't understand it, but that they would be turned off by it.)
    “We have big news,” Anna announced, her ponytail bobbing up and down. (Seems a bit odd to me to have this kind of detail about a mom.)
    “Maybe a bit more vanilla, just a smidge,” Jolly said. (I'm confused by this. Jolly knows what the surprise is. Why does he say this?)
    “That doesn’t sound like big news,” Bobbie said eager for another cupcake.
    “It actually does have to do with what we want to share with you,” Anna answered.
    “What is it?” Bobbie asked licking some chocolate off her finger.
    “We bought a bakery,” Anna declared, her voice squeaking. Jolly’s bearded grin reached up to his twinkling eyes.
    “That’s cool,” Bobbie said as she thought of all the yummy treats she’d get to eat.
    “There’s more,” Jolly said.
    “It’s in Maine,” they said together. The old wooden clock on the kitchen wall counted ten seconds in the silence that followed.

    Best of luck with your work!

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  6. I'm a mixture of all the other comments. I think the logline is adorable, but not as concise as it could be. The tone of everything fits with MG, but it leaves a lot of questions. What's a pickle spell? Why is that bad? Why should they save the town from it? Is there a clearer way this could be phrased? I also think you shouldn't be afraid to split the logline into multiple sentences to accommodate this. However, it's not a deal breaker for me because of the magical realism part. Okay, weird pickle spell, I can accept that that's a common thing in this world, but what exactly does that entail and why is it bad?

    Comments are in parenthesis. Feel free to ask for any clarifications or anything.


    Her stomach rumbling, eleven-year-old Bobbie crashed through the mudroom door, kicked off her sneakers, and tossed her backpack on the floor. Just a step behind her twin sister, Charlie (personally, this is a convoluted structure too similar to the first line. I like that the following phrase sets up how different Charlie and Bobbie are, but the first part of this sentence is a mouthful by itself) entered the house, slipped off her ballet flats, and brought her lunch bag and homework into the kitchen looking for the note her mom left telling them when she’d be home. (It's too much. I have the same problem, and I think there's a point where you have to stick a period and move on--especially for MG. Getting through these sentences isn't hard, but for younger readers, hanging onto the subject and everything they're doing in this sentence might be hard. I think shortening your sentences would tighten this up and keep up the pace.)
    Charlie and Bobbie squealed with surprised delight when they spotted a plate of perfectly frosted mini-cupcakes waiting for them in the center of the kitchen table. Bobbie broke into a run, elbowing Charlie to be the one (cut 'to be the one') to get there first.
    Charlie savored a bite as Bobbie went in for seconds, but before she could snag another cupcake, their mom and dad, Anna and Jolly Hart, burst into the kitchen looking excited. (cut 'looking excited'; you're showing us the excitement in the previous part and could expand on it in later sentences--which you actually do)
    “We have big news,” Anna announced, her ponytail bobbing up and down.
    “Maybe a bit more vanilla, just a smidge,” Jolly said. (What is this in reference to?)
    “That doesn’t sound like big news,” Bobbie said eager for another cupcake.
    “It actually does have to do with what we want to share with you,” Anna answered.
    “What is it?” Bobbie asked licking some chocolate off her finger.
    “We bought a bakery,” Anna declared, her voice squeaking. Jolly’s bearded grin reached up to his twinkling eyes. (Do they call their parents by their names? The sentences here read faster and shorter, and think spreading that quickness up to the first paragraph will help.)
    “That’s cool,” Bobbie said as she thought of all the yummy treats she’d get to eat.
    “There’s more,” Jolly said.
    “It’s in Maine,” they said together. The old wooden clock on the kitchen wall counted ten seconds in the silence that followed. (I feel okay about this sentence. It's not good or bad, but it doesn't fit. Is there something else that could happen physically that would express the same sort of disbelief?)

    Again, super cute premise with an interesting idea. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete