Sunday, October 20, 2013

Prep Work Bonus Round #7


Title: Cltr+Alt+Delte
Genre: MG Light SciFi


Logline: Ten children in Johnson Bays have gone missing, only to turn up inside the online social media site FacePlace. Something went wrong, and the child responsible for using the top-secret government machine, the Polerizeroid, is inside with them. What they don’t know is they have less than 24 hours to escape. Before they disintegrate into the stratosphere.


First 250:

 
The heat of summer rolled into the small community of Johnson Bays. The time of year when the children roamed barefoot, playing tag until well after sunset, and the evenings filled with the hum of crickets and gentle breezes.
Kalliope’s shadow loomed over her nine-year-old brother. “You aren’t pulling the wings off that dragonfly? Are you?”
Theo dropped the open jar, along with the tweezers, splattering iridescent bugs over the ground, creating a carpet of blinking lights before they lifted off and flew away. “They’re fireflies! And you ruined it!”
You dropped them.”
Kali’s voice had its way of startling Theodore, making him nervous, making him think he did something wrong. Did she always have to be so bossy? Theo wouldn’t actually be hurting the insects, but sometimes his experiments didn’t appear cruelty-free.
 “I’m telling Mom! And Dad. And Grandpa—can’t tell Grandma--but she already saw you,  ‘cause she can see ALL now.” Kali imitated an evil eye.
Theo scrambled to collect the items from the street before darkness fell completely, so he didn’t leave anything behind: saucers, cups, and water bottles with mosquito larva, assorted-size jars, and Lego links. Everything on display went into the plastic milk crate on the curb. Kali continued her inspection up close, and zeroed in.
“Um, what’s in there?” She pointed.
Theo looked around, and pretended not to know what she was talking about. He thought if he ignored her she might just go away.  No chance.
“You gotta set those free, too. You can’t keep ‘em.”

12 comments:

  1. Logline: I think the premise of this story is fantastic. In your logline: Who is the protagonist of the story? Often, it’s good to put the logline from his/her perspective, only to make it more personal. The second sentence has less impact, only because I don’t know how having this child inside is bad; he/she used the machine that put them there, but what next? How does this make it worse? The last sentence is the narrator speaking; we have no way of knowing if the kids know they only have 24 hours to escape by telling us, rather than somehow showing it. Also, you could combine the last 2 sentences.


    The heat of summer rolled into the small community of Johnson Bays. The time of year when the children roamed barefoot, playing tag until well after sunset, and the evenings (were?) filled with the hum of crickets and gentle breezes.
    Kalliope’s (I love this name) shadow loomed over her nine-year-old brother. “You aren’t pulling the wings off that dragonfly? Are you?”
    Theo dropped the open jar, along with the tweezers, splattering iridescent bugs over the ground, creating a carpet of blinking lights before they lifted off and flew away. “They’re fireflies! And you ruined it!” (I’d watch he exclamation points, I recently saw a judge in a contest say they’re overused.)
    “You dropped them.”
    Kali’s voice had its way of startling Theodore, making him nervous, making him think he did something wrong. Did she always have to be so bossy? Theo wouldn’t actually be hurting the insects, but sometimes his experiments didn’t appear cruelty-free. (<this is awkwardly worded)
    “I’m telling Mom! And Dad. And Grandpa—can’t tell Grandma--but she already saw you, ‘cause she can see ALL now.” Kali imitated an evil eye.
    Theo scrambled to collect the items from the street before darkness fell completely, so he didn’t leave anything behind: saucers, cups, and water bottles with mosquito larva, assorted-size jars, and Lego links. Everything on display went into the plastic milk crate on the curb. Kali continued her inspection up close, and zeroed in.
    “Um, what’s in there?” She pointed.
    Theo looked around, and pretended not to know what she was talking about. He thought if (I’d just say” If he . . .”, to avoid filtering; if you say it, it’s his thought) he ignored her she might just go away. No chance.
    “You gotta set those free, too. You can’t keep ‘em.”

    I hope this helps; great idea with the bugs and alternate world. Best of luck with it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The logline worked for me, even though it's omniscient. However, you might want to mention the name of the child, if s/he is your main character.

    I liked how the first page read. I got a good sense of both characters.

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  3. Logline: Ten children in Johnson Bays have gone missing, only to turn up inside the online social media site FacePlace (Cool). Something went wrong, and the child responsible for using the top-secret government machine, the Polerizeroid, is inside with them (Is this your MC? Name him/her). What they don’t know is they have less than 24 hours to escape. Before they disintegrate into the stratosphere (They're going to disappear into the second major layer of Earth's atmosphere? Maybe you mean "cyberspace" or something.)


    First 250:

    Kalliope’s shadow loomed over her nine-year-old brother. “You aren’t pulling the wings off that dragonfly(,are you?)


    Kali’s voice had its way of startling Theodore (POV shift from Kali to Theo), making him nervous, making him think he did something wrong. Did she always have to be so bossy? Theo wouldn’t actually be hurting the insects, but sometimes his experiments didn’t appear cruelty-free.

    I love the title and idea. Good luck!

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  4. I love what you've done with your logline and the first lines in your 250 read smoother. Martha probably has a point - if you can get your protag into the logline so much the better.

    I'd still cut out Kali's "Um" and put something bossier like 'hey'. Also could there be a short explanation of what he's doing out there with his line up of...experiments??

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  5. Am I allowed to comment? I have a question--the story is third person omniscient. Would I need to add the children's names? There are about 3 mc's Thank you for all your help!

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  6. This is such a FUN idea!

    IMO all this needs a little polish:

    Ten children in Johnson Bays have gone missing, only to turn up inside the online social media site FacePlace. Something went wrong, and The child responsible for using the top-secret government machine, the Polerizeroid, is inside with them. (This sentence could be made more clear- is it worth explaining what went wrong, maybe a word like glitch or instead of the child responsible something a bit more enticing like so-and-so tinkered/hacked/etc and now he/she is inside with them...) What they don’t know is they have less than 24 hours to escape(I'd add a comma here and then... before) they disintegrate into the stratosphere.

    Best wishes!

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  7. Karen I definitely wouldn't put the three names. Reading Deirdre's take on the logline, made me think it would be enticing if you put the name of the antag....whom I presume is the child responsible. Just an idea..

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  8. You've smoothed out the logline and 250 so much from just last week!

    I agree with everyone else on the logline. It's still a little off, but having 3MC's will probably do that. Is there anyway you could name the first POV character we interact with? Just to link the first page and logline?
    Why is that child stuck inside with them? Why is it important we know that in the logline (so we know they can't let them out)? Were they malicious? Are they trying to help everyone get out? Could you focus the end of the logline on that child's adventure to escape cyberspace with them and their friends still alive? Or are the children not stuck trying to get them out?
    Also, stratosphere? As in, they're just information and will vanish? Or does this literally purge them into that specific place?
    I also agree with the other comments on the 250. Knowing it's 3rd person omniscient makes the narrative make more sense, but is there a solid narrative voice to it that you could bring out more? I wouldn't necessarily add more dialogue to clarify what the kids are saying. I think the reader could guess, but it's a stylistic choice. I just can't imagine kids announcing everything (in reference to the sometimes dropped subjects of the dialogue that were commented on).

    Good job and good luck!

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  9. Here's my revision. Is this allowed?

    Ten children in Johnson Bays have gone missing, only to turn up inside the social media site FacePlace. Something went wrong when nine-year-old, Theo Stevens pressed Cltr+Alt+Delete to help his sister, and she disappeared into the computer. Theo knows no one will believe him unless he can get the town to see it themselves. With the world watching, they soon learn the kids have less than 24 hours to escape, before they disintegrate into the stratosphere.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I left the whole "Polar-I-zeroid" thing out, because it's the surprise in the story. Also, finding out the child responsible is in there, and that's a surprise, too. THANKS Everyone!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi Karen,

    This reads as a mini query. Too long, with way too much information for a logline.

    I'd suggest cutting back to the basics. I don't need to know the name of the town. I don't need (in a logline) to know how they got inside FacePlace. I don't need to know that Theo thinks no one will believe him. All I need to know is the problem and the choices/solution.

    Ten children are trapped inside the social media site FacePlace, including nine-year-old Theo Stevens' sister. With the world watching, Theo has to find a way to get them out in under 24 hours before they disintegrate into the stratosphere.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Gosh, KayC, you made it look so easy! lol. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete