Sunday, October 20, 2013

Prep Work Bonus Round #9


TITLE: The Legacy of the Eye
GENRE: Adult Science Fiction Romance

Logline: On a planet where merit should trump birthright, David uncovers a secret hereditary government. When he realizes the woman he loves will inherit the rule, his haste to put distance between them binds him to a planet at the other end of the galaxy for as long as it will take him to forget her. But those determined to bring him back will use love as bait.

First 250:

A single day can alter the course of someone’s life, and today was meant to reroute mine. After months of hard work, and intense arguing, the Council of Demia had allowed Cat and me to present our proposal. We were a pod ride away from our future, and the freedom of leaving the Academy. I just hoped the instructor chaperoning us did not decide to take undue credit.

I ducked as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside, I covered the keypad with an outstretched hand and faced our instructor before he could move from the doorway.

"Max," I said. "We're leaving the school anyway, why not let me punch the code?" It might be a symbolic gesture, but I needed some control over our destination.

Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black tunic, Max obscured the pod's exit despite his short stature. "If I had any say, you wouldn’t be leaving at all. The council should have made you wait until after graduation like everyone else."

Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years?

"We've earned the distinction," I said. Why did he insist on arguing with me?

His scowl intensified. "Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out."

We had probably earned that too, but I knew how to pick my battles.

Cat's hand pressed my shoulder. "David, we'll be late."

"Tell him that," I said.

12 comments:

  1. Wow! I love watching loglines and first 250s get better and better. My suggestions are merely that, and in parenthesis.

    Logline: This is so much clearer to me; well done! One suggestion (if it’s accurate to the story), is to change the first sentence to: On a planet where merit trumps birthright . . . only because it sounds like he thinks it should, but maybe it doesn’t? Then it contrasts nicely with the secret. If this makes sense. Also. “for as long as it will take him to forget her” has me confused; does he mean forever? Or does he think it will be easy to forget her? This is a nitpick, but maybe make this clear. I love the last line.

    First 250:

    A single day can alter the course of someone’s life, and today was meant (would instead of was meant; if he’s confident, he wouldn’t doubt) to reroute mine. After months of hard work, and intense arguing, the Council of Demia had allowed Cat and me to present our proposal. We were a pod ride away from our future, and the freedom of leaving the Academy. I just hoped the instructor chaperoning us did not decide to take undue credit. (credit for all our hard work? It might be helpful to give a hint at what’s going to get them out of the Academy)


    "Max," I said. "We're leaving the school anyway (I’d ditch the anyway, because it’s a throw-away word, and make this 2 sentences; you could use "either way" instead of anyway, to make it definite.), why not let me punch the code?" It might be a symbolic gesture, but I needed some control over our destination.



    "We've earned the distinction," I said. Why did he insist on arguing with me? (I love the inner dialogue; it shows his character well)

    His scowl intensified. "Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out."

    We had (combine to we’d, unless this is how they all speak) probably earned that too, but I knew how to pick my battles.

    Best of luck with Baker's Dozen, and/or Trick or Treat!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Logline: On a planet where (birthright) (cut "should") trump(s) (merit), David uncovers a secret hereditary government. When he realizes the woman he loves will inherit the rule, his haste to put distance between them binds him to a planet at the other end of the galaxy for as long as it will take him to forget her (Why is he running from her? Is she gonna kill him as soon as she "ascends the throne"? Also, what do you mean by bind? Bind what? His life? His soul?). But those determined to bring him back will use love as bait (This make more sense than the last one, but still could be clarified)

    First 250: I wonder if your first paragraph can be "given" to the audience in some other way. Right now it almost feels like an info dump.

    Good luck! This is much better than the last version I saw.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for the comments! Does this clarify the details or does it just make things more convoluted?

    On a planet where merit trumps birthright, David uncovers a secret hereditary government. When he realizes his girlfriend will inherit the rule and his parents want him to take over by marriage, his haste to put distance between them leads him to a planet at the other end of the galaxy. But those determined to lure him back will use love as bait.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This makes much more sense to me, and it's tighter. However, the marriage his parents want, is it with Cat? Or someone else? If Cat, why does he run rather than marry her and try to make things work? If it's not her, it makes sense to run. Regardless, this sounds like a great read.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi. This sounds pretty interesting. I wonder though, if you might mention why he must put distance from the woman he loves? Is it merely that she's part of this 'hereditary' government? Is this like a bloodline thing? He want to forget her, why? I have questions. :) So I must read on to learn, and now I gotta know. OK, now for the opening page: I really like it. I enjoyed the set up of the scene. I'm curious about the characters, and I'd certainly read on. Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Patchi, I like your re-write of the logline here in the comments. It goes some way to explaining why he has to run away but for me it doesn't go the whole way. Does he have to run because he is the one who, through merit, takes over the new government? BTW - nitpick - I'd keep the 'woman he loves' not 'girlfriend'. Girlfriend sounds too contemporary. Good luck with this!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree with the others--girlfriend is an odd word choice and raises some questions. Why is her gaining the throne bad? Does she know this is happening? With how you've updated the logline, him running doesn't seem to fit. It makes it seem like her gaining the throne could harm him. Is it just that he disagrees, and the governing body knows that? I think it would be stronger if you cut the bit about this parents and explained why him running is necessary if he loves her so much (that forgetting will be hard).

    Also, why does merit trump birthright, but he'll gain the throne through marriage? How has a patriarchy succeeded if merit is tops (even if we know it truly isn't, how does he gain control through marriage? is it just through manipulation, or does he actually gain power, because that weakens the idea of advancing via merit).

    I agree with Martha on the 250. They hit all of my comments. It's a good revision and interesting.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  8. There is not much space in the logline to explain there is no marriage on the planet. Is this new version making things any clearer?

    On a planet where merit trumps birthright, David uncovers a secret hereditary government. When he realizes the woman he loves will inherit the rule and his parents are conspiring to take over by wedding him to her, David’s impulsive departure leads him to a conflict at the other end of the galaxy. But those determined to lure him back will use love as bait.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, much clearer. I'm still curious as to how the first part of the logline plot connects to this conflict, but I can draw conclusions as a reader. A full-out explanation isn't really necessary. You could cut words by...

      On a planet where merit trumps birthright, David uncovers a secret hereditary government. When he realizes his lover will inherit the rule and his parents are conspiring to have him take over through her, David's impulsive departure leads him to a conflict across the galaxy. But those determined to lure him back will use his love as bait.

      ..but it's barely shorter. Are they luring him back so he can rule? Could you switch it to 'those determined to rule through him will use love as bait'?

      Either way, your logline is getting better with each revision so I think it's more a matter of polishing and making it more concise at this point. It has the necessary parts.

      Delete
  9. I like the first part of the logline, but don't feel the stakes/choices are clear in the second half. Keep to the basics, you don't need the parents or the opposite side of the galaxy as neither add to what (I perceive) is the base plot.

    On a planet where merit trumps birthright, David discovers the woman he loves is next in line to rule a secret hereditary government. Torn between exposing her and joining her, he opts to run. But eventually he will have to return to choose.

    This isn't great, but hopefully you get what I mean.

    ReplyDelete
  10. L.M., different people want him back for different reasons, which is why I tried to keep it general.

    I like your suggestions, KayC. Here is an updated version:

    On a planet where merit trumps birthright, David discovers the woman he loves will inherit the rule of a secret hereditary government. To avoid exposing or joining her, David’s impulsive departure ensnares him in a conflict across the galaxy. But those determined to lure him back will use love as bait.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi Patchi,

    I still don't think you need the vague reference to "conflict across the galaxy" - it doesn't have anything to do with the problem you have set in the first paragraph and doesn't tell me anything. It may be an important part of the story, but not relevant in a 50 word (preferably less) summary.

    I also understand why you want to get in "love as bait" (it's a great line), but again - what does it have to do with the secret hereditary government or the choices David has to make? What does it tell me? In such limited real estate I'd rather you told me why they want to lure him back? What part does he play/what are his choices.

    I love a short logline. They are always the ones that capture my interest on Miss Snark. Your new first line is great - it sums up the problem in 22 words. If you can summarise his choices into a single second sentence in 22 words or less I'd be hooked.

    This is just my opinion, so take it or leave it as you wish. Good luck with the Bakers Dozen.

    ReplyDelete