Saturday, October 12, 2013

Prep Work Round 3 #10


TITLE: A Child of Serenity
GENRE: YA Contemporary

LOGLINE: When the leader of the Serenity’s Children cult forces 16-year-old Miriam into marriage with a stranger, she will have to choose between fighting for the only boy she’s ever loved and following the rules of the only life she’s ever known.

FIRST 250:
The girls don’t get a choice. It has been this way for as long as I’ve been alive, and longer. My father chose my mother, a fact he has never let her forget.
I don’t know how the other girls feel about the Selection. It is not something we talk about. As female Children of Serenity, there is not much that we are allowed to talk about. This bothers me more than it should, considering it has been my experience that no one ever says what they really mean.
And there is no way to know how the boys feel about it either. Since adolescence we have been kept separate, except for Sundays at chapel. And of course there is no speaking at chapel. That is a rule that even I have never broken.
The Selection is our biggest celebration all year. It goes on for days, out in the open desert, beyond the concrete walls of our city.  There is singing, and dancing, and feasting. The stars decorate the sky like thousands of candles, and the smoke from our fires climbs into the vast darkness like an offering to God. 
I can feel Boaz’s gaze on me. He is standing on the other side of the fire—the boy’s side. His eyes are bright in the firelight, his skin a dark bronze against the white of his shirt.  And I dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, tonight he will call my name.

6 comments:

  1. I think you did a great job with this new logline. I still feel there is a lot of explanation in the opening page. I like the opening paragraph, but maybe the others should be weaved into the selection ceremony. It might help if you insert something like "As I stand around the fire with the other female Children of Serenity, I wonder what they think about the ceremony..." a the start of the second paragraph. Something that would pull us into the scene and what the main character is going through.

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  2. My only comment for the logline is a nitpicky thing that you can take or leave. The logline does it's job well explaining the premise and setting up the stakes.

    When the leader of the Serenity’s Children cult forces 16-year-old Miriam into marriage with a stranger, she HAS to choose between fighting for the only boy she’s ever loved and following the rules of the only life she’s ever known.

    I'm going to put my thoughts on sections in parentheses. Feel free to ask for any clarifications.

    The (could change to we; without the logline we don't yet know the sex of the narrator) girls don’t get a choice. It has been this way for as long as I’ve been alive, and longer. My father chose my mother, a fact he has never let her forget.
    I don’t know how the other girls feel about the Selection. It is not something we talk about. As female Children of Serenity, there is not much that we are allowed to talk about. This bothers me more than it should, considering it has been my experience that no one ever says what they really mean. (This reads as very mature and proper. I'm curious if that holds since it's a patriarchal cult. Are the girls educated to speak properly like this? Is it how everyone speaks aloud? I'm always for completely going for something. I'd be interested in seeing if everyone in the cult was socialized to speak like this since it's not as conversational and modern as current trends with the lack of apostrophes and pacing of words. Everything's very long and drawn.)
    And there is no way to know how the boys feel about it either. Since adolescence we have been kept separate, except for Sundays at chapel. And of course there is no speaking at chapel. That is a rule that even I have never broken. (So, she breaks rules?)
    The Selection is our biggest celebration all year. It goes on for days, out in the open desert, beyond the concrete walls of our city. There is singing, and dancing, and feasting. The stars decorate the sky like thousands of candles, and the smoke from our fires climbs into the vast darkness like an offering to God.
    I can feel Boaz’s gaze on me. He is standing on the other side of the fire—the boy’s side. (This is an aside? It's a bit off-putting as a tag like this) His eyes are bright in the firelight, his skin a dark bronze against the white of his shirt. (Is he tanned? A person of color? I'm curious as to how this cult functions socially in regards to race/gender/sex/age) And I dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, tonight he will call my name.

    It's a good setup to the story. You seem to have started right at the defining moment you mentioned in the logline. The writing style is a tad disconnected, though, since it is so formal. I think, if it stays like that, it's not a problem because it's a signal as to how she was socialized.

    Excellent. Good luck!

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  3. Gotta say this seems like one of the more polished entries in this batch. I agree that you could change "will have to" to "has" in the logline but otherwise I think it does what it's supposed to - nice work!

    I read L. M. Miller's comments and while I see what she means, I also think that maybe the formal voice of the protagonist is telling us readers something very important - that this child of Serenity is different than the others and has some higher order thoughts about her situation. I think your mention of breaking rules is another important clue into this character.

    Can't say much more at this point - excellent job! I would love to read more! Email me if you're interested in trading pages.

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  4. I like how you revised it from the last entry. Good work. I agree with what the others said about the logline.
    I had only two suggestions. Maybe the T should be capitalized when you say The Selection in the second paragraph. Also, I still question the part of the sentence that reads "considering it has been my experience that no one says what they really mean." I still like the thought, but it feels out of place, and I'm hoping that you will say more about it later in the work.
    Good job. It seems like an exciting book, and I'd love to read it.

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  5. I love your logline. I think your 250 is very tight. I like the voice but I do agree with Patchi's comment about not feeling in the scene. Not until she describes Boaz. Maybe you could start with that paragraph. Then we know where she is, and what's going on. (I disagree with L.M. Miller that we need to know anything about race--dark bronze skin is very descriptive and sufficient in my opinion.) I would suggest working on the voice in the next to last paragraph. The first line comes across as telling. Maybe flip it to start with the description of the stars. And then say something about how she doesn't know how she'll bear waiting days to know if Boaz will choose her but at least the singing and dancing and feasting will be fun. (But that might not work if he's choosing tonight.) Or how she's enjoyed those things in the past, but this year it will be difficult since she's so nervous. (?) I think that would bring in more voice. It's already very good. Hope my suggestions are helpful.

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  6. Your logline is very good. The story itself needs work. I didn't your first submission so I don't have anything to compare it to. To me, it felt choppy. Too much telling and not enough showing--I didn't connect. Also, it was jolting to find out that this scene was taking place at the Selection. The transition was too abrupt, I had no clue until the last paragraph and that was too long into the opening to make us (the reader) wait for that important information. I agree with Patchi that you should mention they're all at the fire earlier, this would clear up that issue.
    Other than that, I think the story is intriguing.

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