Saturday, October 12, 2013

Prep Work Round 3 #6

TITLE: Attie and the Monster Book
GENRE: MG magical realism


LOGLINE: After 12 yo Attie Cohen receives a book about monsters, her siblings discover they can morph into deadly, supernatural beasts.  The problem? They lack control over the transformations; particular emotions awaken the mutations, and with the Cohen parents heading for a divorce, emotions are in no short order.  So Attie must #1) try not to die; #2) help her siblings stay human, and #3) figure out the mystery before she gets into BIG trouble.

FIRST 250:

The day I first saw my sister morph, my parents were shouting their heads off at each other.
. . . Again.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I stomped out of the house. Nobody tried to stop me.  In fact, no one even noticed me go.
So I tromped and clomped through the back yard–slamming each foot down on the spindly winter grass and looking for fire ant mounds to kick.  But my anger faded when realized that I was outside—alone.  Unsupervised.  Free.  So I did what any kid would do.  I headed for the ravine.
I’ll be honest with you. I’m not allowed there.  Mom says it’s dangerous. And she’s right. The slope’s steep. But I’m smart; I knew to be careful.
But something happened on the way down.
I was bracing my feet against parched roots, making my way toward the stream at the bottom, when something hissed, “Get out of here, Attttiiiieeee.”
Attie?  My name?  Could I be hearing things?  I stopped.  Looked around.
Then I saw . . . it. . .  her . . .Gracie . . . my sister. She was in the ravine too—not that far away from me, just off to my left.  I hadn’t seen her at first because she was a good ten feet up—in a tree.  Not climbing it, no.  She was somehow magically attached to it.  And I hate to say this, but she didn’t look human.  Her skin was the color of a submarine—steel gray—and bright blue veins covered her body.

4 comments:

  1. Interesting! I'm going to put comments in parentheses next to what I'm referring to in the 250 words. The logline needs to be trimmed down. There's too much going on. The changes and stakes are all there, but it's bogged down in too many words.


    When twelve-year-old Attie receives a book about monsters, her siblings discover they can morph into deadly, supernatural beast when their emotions flare. With their parents' divorce drawing near, their emotions are on constant high alert. Attie must keep her siblings human and stay alive before she gets into BIG trouble.

    While the playful nature was fun, it made it pretty long for the typical logline (some agents like them shorter). That's obviously a dashed together version, but I think focusing on pulling the originality and stakes forefront will make it more interesting.

    The day I first saw my sister morph, my parents were shouting their heads off at each other.
    . . . Again. (So many breaks. You don't need the ellipses. Just use a period or set it apart as its own paragraph as an aside.)
    When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I stomped out of the house. Nobody tried to stop me. In fact, (Cut this. Just say 'no one...go'.) no one even noticed me go.
    So I tromped and clomped through the back yard (She sounds a bit too young for a 12yo. What age level on the MG is this for? The younger side? I think you could cut the first part and just say 'I slammed my feet down...' or something for the same effect.)–slamming each foot down on the spindly winter grass and looking for fire ant mounds to kick. But (Cut the but) my anger faded when realized that I was outside—alone (a lot of breaks with the ellipses and hyphens. It's not really necessary here). Unsupervised. Free. So I did what any kid would do. I headed for the ravine.(We don't know that that's what any kid would do yet. Try to mold this more into the paragraph. It stops the flow now.)
    I’ll be honest with you. (We can figure this out. Unless Attie's talking to someone or addressing the reader constantly, this doesn't fit with the perspective and feel. I'd suggest cutting it) I’m not allowed there. Mom says it’s dangerous. And she’s right. The slope’s steep. But I’m smart; I knew to be careful. (You switch tense in this section.)
    But something happened on the way down. (Tense change. Cut this. We're going to see the happening so this isn't necessary.)
    I was bracing my feet against parched roots, making my way toward the stream at the bottom, when something hissed, “Get out of here, Attttiiiieeee.”
    Attie? My name? Could I be hearing things? I stopped. Looked around.
    Then I saw . . . it. . . her . . .Gracie . . . my sister. She was in the ravine too—not that far away from me, just off to my left. I hadn’t seen her at first because she was a good ten feet up—in a tree. Not climbing it, no. She was somehow magically attached to it. And I hate to say this, but she didn’t look human. Her skin was the color of a submarine—steel gray—and bright blue veins covered her body. (This last section is bogged down by your flow breaks. You're plot and description is carrying the scene fine without the attention grabbing hyphens and ellipses. If you want to speed up the flow, cut the sentences into shorter pieces. The way Attie's 'hate to say this' and 'I'll be honest' phrases cut into the scene is distracting. Personally, I think this is strong enough to not need them. We can infer them. Attie can show us why these are true.)

    It's a very interesting idea and starts right at the action. Good luck!

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  2. This is cute. Good premise. I like the logline right up to the last line. BTW I hate writing last lines - they are demanding little suckers.

    I think 'mystery' is too vague a word here and saying she'll get into big trouble sounds cliched. I'd try to nail it down to something specific like 'find out how a book can.......and make sure it doesn't turn her into one flying dingbat.'...if that's the tone you're going for :)

    The 250 has great voice. I really liked the description of slamming her feet and ant hills to kick. It gives setting as well as emotional intensity. Well done.

    I'd agree with LM to cut the elipses "....Again" really sticks out. Probably also "I'll be honest with you." I could imagine an agent having problems with that. Good luck, hope the monsters don't bite but that an agent or two does :)

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  3. I'm curious why SHE doesn't also turn into a monster as the owner of the book and the main character. I also wondered if she was the youngest or the oldest and if that figured in.

    I agree with everything L.M. said. I would also add that a twelve-year-old being surprised by being unsupervised seems unusual. Maybe as the youngest it would work. Otherwise, twelve-year-olds get left alone all the time. Some even babysit.

    I love the premise. It sounds like it will be a really fun, exciting adventure. Good luck with it.

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  4. Your logline sounds like quite the set up: parents divorcing, emotions on the loose, monster transformations--Cool! Perfect for MG. What's the mystery?--how they transform? How to get back in human form?--do we get a teeny tiny hint?

    OOh! And I really like your first page. I'm in! Attie's sister has turned into a tree monster. Love this. Best of Luck!

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