Saturday, October 12, 2013

Prep Work Round 3 #7

TITLE: The Legacy of the Eye
GENRE: Adult Science Fiction Romance

LOGLINE: On a planet where merit should trump birthright, the top governance graduate must expose a secret hereditary polity before he is persuaded to rule from a throne. Unless his rashness sends him to the other end of the galaxy first.

FIRST 250:

A single day can alter the course of someone’s life, and today was meant to change mine. After months of hard work, and intense arguing, the Council of Demia had allowed Cat and me to present our proposal. We were a pod ride away from our future, and the freedom of leaving the Academy. I just hoped the instructor chaperoning us did not decide to take undue credit.

I ducked as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside, I covered the keypad and faced our instructor, who stood in the doorway.

"Max," I said. "We're leaving the school anyway, why not let me punch the code?" It might be a symbolic gesture, but I needed to feel some control over our destination.

Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black outfit, Max obscured the pod's exit despite his short stature. "If I had any say, you wouldn’t be leaving at all. The council should have made you wait until after graduation like everyone else."

Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years?

"We've earned the distinction," I said. Why did he insist on arguing with me?

His scowl intensified. "Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out."

We probably earned that too, but I knew how to pick my battles.

Cat's hand pressed my shoulder. "David, we'll be late."

"Tell him that," I said.

"You're only making him more stubborn, Max."

3 comments:

  1. My comments will be in parentheses next to what I'm referring to. Feel free to ask for clarification.

    On a planet where merit should trump birthright (I mean, it always should unless you're in some monarchy, and even then it's debatable. You could say that merit always trumps it or something of the like) , the top governance graduate must expose a secret hereditary polity before he is persuaded to rule from a throne (Oh no, he has to rule? Why is this bad? What's the downside of this other than it going against the norm?) . Unless his rashness sends him to the other end of the galaxy first. (Good setup for the stakes).

    A single day can alter the course of someone’s life, and today was meant to change mine. After months of hard work, and intense arguing, the Council of Demia had allowed Cat and me to present our proposal. We were a pod ride away from our future, and the freedom of leaving the Academy. I just hoped the instructor chaperoning us did not decide to take undue credit. (I don't know how much I like this opening. It sets up the moment nicely, but it's very telling and not too gripping. I think this could be revised with to switch out sentences with some of your later things to ground us more in the moment. Then, the telling sentences for backstory and setting can be used.)

    I ducked as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside, I covered the keypad and faced our instructor, who stood in the doorway.

    "Max," I said. "We're leaving the school anyway, why not let me punch the code?" It might be a symbolic gesture, but I needed to feel some control over our destination. (This is an improvement from what it was, but still sounds rough. It's a bit too formal and long. Try shortening it a little, or cutting the sentence into two. I also don't think you need to say it was symbolic. Use that space to mention/expand on how he wants control and we'll understand that it's symbolic/important to him.)

    Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black outfit (This is vague. What sort of outfit? What's a simple phrase/word to describe what people wear in this world?), Max obscured the pod's exit despite his short stature. "If I had any say, you wouldn’t be leaving at all. The council should have made you wait until after graduation like everyone else."

    Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years?

    "We've earned the distinction," I said. Why did he insist on arguing with me?

    His scowl intensified. "Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out." (Ah, so it's the color? Maybe say it's a uniform?)

    We (just now or previously? We'd?) probably earned that too, but I knew how to pick my battles.

    Cat's hand pressed my shoulder. "David, we'll be late."

    "Tell him that," I said.

    "You're only making him more stubborn, Max."

    I think this sets up the voice of Max very well and the feeling of the society. Good luck!

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  2. I agree with everything LM said. I found the logline a bit mind boggling to read with 'governance graduate' and 'hereditary polity.' I don't read a lot of Sci.-Fi so maybe it's just a case of not being familiar with the language.

    In the 250 the voice comes across very nicely. I'd like some things made a little clearer eg. I read 'undue credit' and wondered how? why? what? Also when he 'covers' the keypad it's not immediately clear what he's doing. Maybe it'd be better to just say outright he bodily blocks it to stop Max getting access?

    Another thing that came to mind - you mentioned 16 years. Does that mean your protag and Cat are 18? Would that make your novel YA or even NA?

    Sounds like an interesting premise. Good luck with this.

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  3. I like the last line of the logline. The rest needs work.
    I like the opening paragraph.
    I stopped on this line: I ducked as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside, I covered the keypad and faced our instructor, who stood in the doorway. SUGGESTION: I ducked through the entry as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside, I covered the keypad and turned to face our instructor who now blocked the doorway.
    Overall, felt like there were a lot of missed opportunities to grip the reader. In other words, too much vagueness, eg: describe the black outfit. What was Max feeling that punching in the code was so important? What do the black robes represent? I realize all of this will be revealed, but a few key elements up front would really give the opening the POW this story deserves. I love the premise and I think it could be really good.

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