Saturday, October 12, 2013

Prep Work Round 3 #8


TITLE: The Last Innocent
Genre: New Adult

LOGLINE: 22 year old Sarah Croshen had always felt out of place, different from her friends. A botched burglary and meeting the handsome detective David Galpren sent her on a wild ride that revealed nothing is as it seems. Nothing. Now there was no going back.

FIRST 250:

He sat with his wings tucked neatly behind him on the roof of the old house located in the heart of the college district in Eugene, Oregon. Muffled music escaped through the warped rafters, the Warrior smiled. She was playing her favorite tunes again. The ones she played when life became too stressful. He envisioned her now, walking through the cramped rooms below, singing with abandon at the top of her lungs. How fast she had grown up.
The Warrior shook his head and tried remembering the others. Human time was just a blur for him. Surely he could recall at least one of his other assignments, but only bits and fragments surfaced. Mortals’ lives were over in the blink of an eye, and such a shame, too. These creatures possessed so much passion and hatred, with the capacity for abundant goodness and, sadly, equal ugliness. All of it rolled into one fragile package. No, the only details that came to his mind were the battles and carnage. No wonder he suppressed the memories.
Assignments, he chuckled aloud at his own thoughts. He could hear Michael’s scolding now, the beautiful Archangel lecturing him endlessly that protecting wards—mortals—was an assignment of the highest honor. He could even picture Michael’s finely sculpted eyebrows arch in that way he had when masterfully weaving his words. How an angel could be so dangerous, so powerful, and yet so beautiful mystified him. He shook his head again. God, in all His omnipotence, was the only one who could answer that question; however, that question hadn’t made it on the list for when his time came to stand before the Almighty.

5 comments:

  1. I found the logline a bit vague. The opening reads like a prologue. Some of the sentences are a bit too long and convoluted for my taste. I was intrigued by the Warrior and if this is an urban fantasy, you might want to add magical elements to the logline.

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  2. The concept is clear in this, but the execution of the logline falls a little flat. It doesn't structurally fit together, and it doesn't reference whoever is in the 250 (I'm assuming it's a prologue with a later character?).

    My comments will be in parentheses next to what I'm commenting on.

    22 year old Sarah Croshen had always felt out of place, different from her friends. (You're missing an opportunity to set up how she's different. This logline is too vague--I have no idea what makes the idea original, it's generic, and it doesn't let the story shine. Pick out why she's different and highlight here. Give us the why). A botched burglary and meeting the handsome detective David Galpren sent her on a wild ride that revealed nothing is as it seems. (This sentence isn't engaging or good for a logline. Use present tense. Once you set up the why, punch us with the stakes here. This journey tells her she's different--why does it matter?) Nothing. (Cut this.) Now there was no going back. (After we have the why she's unsatisfied and what's changing, tell us what's at stake? Her life? Her future? Hot guy's life? Her score on Super Mario? What is at risk? A logline needs to highlight what's changing and why that matters. Yours is by no means bad, but it's not highlighting your story. Also, it's not grammatically solid. There are some tense and singular/plural issues. I think those will clear up after you rewrite it.)


    He sat with his wings tucked neatly behind him on the roof of the old house located in the heart of the college district in Eugene, Oregon. (There's too much happening here. Cut this into multiple sentences and lead with just 'He sat...roof.' It sets up that the POV is from a winged creature which is pretty interesting.) Muffled music escaped through the warped rafters, the Warrior smiled. (Can he smile? Is he a winged human, or a bird?)(This is a fragment. These thoughts should be two difference sentences.) She was playing her favorite tunes again. The ones she played when life became too stressful. He envisioned her now, walking through the cramped rooms below, singing with abandon at the top of her lungs. How fast she had grown up. (I like that this is a sort of antiquated phrasing. It sets the POV.)
    The Warrior shook his head and tried remembering the others. Human time was just (cut out just) a blur for him. Surely he could recall at least one of his other assignments, but only bits and fragments surfaced. Mortals’ lives were over in the blink of an eye, and such a shame, too. These creatures possessed so much passion and hatred, with the capacity for abundant goodness and, sadly, equal ugliness. All of it rolled into one fragile package. No, the only details that came to his mind were the battles and carnage. No wonder he suppressed the memories.
    Assignments, he chuckled aloud at his own thoughts. He could hear Michael’s scolding now, the beautiful Archangel (So, it's urban fantasy with angels? He can smile! This is what should be in your logline. Angels! Winged beings!) lecturing him endlessly that protecting wards—mortals—was an assignment of the highest honor. He could even picture Michael’s finely sculpted eyebrows arch in that way he had when masterfully weaving his words. How an angel could be so dangerous, so powerful, and yet so beautiful mystified him. He shook his head again. God, in all His omnipotence, was the only one who could answer that question; however, that question hadn’t made it on the list for when his time came to stand before the Almighty. (At this point, we don't know if this is metaphorical or literal. Does he actually have a list like this? Is it referring to a list God has?)

    I think once the originality shines in the logline, this will come easier. It's very interesting. Good luck!

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  3. The previous posters have great comments for your logline, so I'll address something I saw in the first 250: passive phrasing. I only notice it because it's something I've been trying to kill in my own novel.

    If you throw it into editminion (free online site), it will highlight these for you and you can reword them. For example, when you say "she was playing," you could make it more present by using "she played".

    The other thing I noticed is the logline is told from Sarah's perspective, and the first 250 from the Warrior's. I think this is why others commented that it gives us a prologue feel.

    Hope this helps; best of luck!

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  4. Whoa--I felt like the logline and the first page were two different stories. Might the logline mention some paranormal elements, or supernatural? I thought I was entering a crime or detective novel.
    Going to stand before the Almighty--I've got to stick around to see (read) that!

    I like the imagery you create. Yes, watch those passive sentences. ~something, I'm constantly reshaping. Though, sometimes I like a passive sentence to build tension.

    Good luck with this!

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  5. I like the premise and your 250. Good writing - although I'd listen to the above comments because they're right.

    I really like the first line exactly as is. It gives us something weird, original and with setting as well. I love that he's sitting on the roof listening to music. A few lines down I'd cut the 'with abundant goodness....' because it repeats what you've already stated and robs the line of its strength. The last line with the mention of the list wasn't clear and left me grappling to understand - never a good thing!

    Logline: it's true that it sounds like two different stories and with no stakes or goals outlined. As Karen said, I thought it was a detective novel.I'd definitely move some of that wild originality in the 250 into the logline- try to make sure it reflects your writing style. Go for it!

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