Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Under the Influence #3


Title: The Last Innocent
Genre: NA- Urban Fantasy

Logline: When a demon prince kidnaps her best friend, twenty-two-year-old Sarah Croshen must fulfill a destiny she never asked for, to be unveiled and become a Supreme, or risk her friend’s death.

First 250

After adjusting the showerhead to pulse, Sarah turned the knob to increase the temperature and drew a deep breath of the moist, dense air. Water pelted against her delicate flesh like hot needles. Her pale skin blotched from the extreme heat, but it felt so good. Sarah closed her eyes against the pain in her abdomen as she slipped under the jets. Her long blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders.
A thirty-year-old tune from 1993 streamed through the house speakers and bounced off the blue-and-white tiled walls of the small bathroom. The sensation of someone watching her crept into her consciousness. Despite the heat, a chill ran down her spine. Sarah opened one eye and looked around. It was a familiar feeling, but as always, no one was there.
“I’m not going crazy, damn it.” The sound of her voice did little to calm her anxiety. Besides, who would believe her if she told them? Sarah tipped her head to the ceiling and laughed at the idea of how she would sound to her friends and family, then gagged and sputtered from the spray of water.
The razor lifted from its cradle. Sarah’s eyes widened. She watched as it crashed to the shower floor, separating the blade from its handle then ricocheting off the glass door. She jumped, nearly losing her footing on the slippery enamel when she landed. Her instincts were correct. She wasn’t alone. 

5 comments:

  1. Great logline – the stakes are high and I’m intrigued. Demon princes? Yes!

    Nice way to get the year in, but nothing in this scene tells me that we’re 10 years in the future. It seems pretty today to me. Since you are putting us in the future, I’d like to see more of the world and how it differs from what I know. Not a lot, but just a few details.

    I’m not digging starting with a shower scene. I’d like to know about the pain in her abdomen – that intrigues me. Maybe you could start with that? Is it an injury? An illness? Since you bring it up this early, I’m expecting it to be important.

    I do love the creepiness of someone watching her and manipulating things around her. You do a great job with details and making the reader feel right there with the MC. I’m empathizing with Sarah and I’d read more.

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  2. I like your log line, but I didn't get a sense of much from this first scene. Are you saying the razor lifted on it's own? If this is the case, it needs to be made clearer. How does this event prove that she's not alone?

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  3. Comments in parentheses. Cheers and good luck with everything!

    Logline: When a demon prince kidnaps her best friend, twenty-two-year-old Sarah Croshen must fulfill a destiny she never asked for, to be unveiled and become a Supreme, or risk her friend’s death. (This is much improved. Just a flow thing--if there were a way to combine her having to become a Supreme with what that entailed I think it would be more grabbing. It is, however, very good.)

    First 250:

    (YOU CUT THE PROLOGUE?!?)
    After adjusting the showerhead to pulse, Sarah turned the knob to increase the temperature and drew a deep breath of the moist, dense air. Water pelted against her delicate flesh like hot needles. Her pale skin blotched from the extreme heat, but it felt so good. Sarah closed her eyes against the pain in her abdomen as she slipped under the jets. Her long blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders.
    A thirty-year-old tune from 1993 (AND IT'S THE FUTURE!?! I'm sorry I'm excited about the info in this opening) streamed through the house speakers and bounced off the blue-and-white tiled walls of the small bathroom. The sensation of someone watching her crept into her consciousness. Despite the heat, a chill ran down her spine. Sarah opened one eye and looked around. It was a familiar feeling, but as always, no one was there.
    “I’m not going crazy, damn it.” The sound of her voice did little to calm her anxiety. Besides, who would believe her if she told them? Sarah tipped her head to the ceiling and laughed at the idea of how she would sound to her friends and family, then (maybe make this a separate sentence) gagged and sputtered from the spray of water.
    The razor lifted from its cradle. Sarah’s eyes widened. She watched as it crashed to the shower floor, separating the blade from its handle then (I think action like this that's shocking could be shortened. Or just try it and see how it sounds. I think shorter sentences might make it more striking instead of using 'then'.) ricocheting off the glass door. She jumped, nearly losing her footing on the slippery enamel when she landed (I don't think this needs 'when she landed'.). Her instincts were correct. She wasn’t alone. (I think, and this is just me, that this is much more interesting and pulls us in while relating to the logline than your last first page. Not that it wasn't good, but this gives us the setup and characterization immediately. Awesome work.)

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  4. I, too, liked the log line. But I do wonder if we could have a tiny explanation as to what a Supreme is? (I keep thinking of the singers).

    I like the creepiness of not being alone in the bathroom. There are few places where we really, really want privacy and that's at the top of the list. So who's in there? Are they desperate or a pervert or just really controlling? I like it.

    So my first question is, why is Sarah in the shower? Is it morning--did she just wake up? Or is she in after gym? Is it bedtime? (Why the pain?)

    The other thing that really jumped out at me were the extra adjectives. For example, I think you could get rid of "delicate" from flesh (it's assumed since she's in the shower) and "long" from long blond hair(since it's cascading). The 30 year old tune from 1993 feels the same--pick 93 or 30 years but not both. (I think you're trying to place us in time but I'd rather have a straight-out date than two times for triangulation.)

    I would definitely read on--I do indeed want to know who the intruder is. :)

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  5. Thank you everyone. Much appreciated.

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