Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Under the Influence #4


TITLE: THE QUEEN OF GREEN AND HER DOG ARTICHOKE
GENRE: MG CONTEMPORARY 

LOGLINE:  When Ella, a spunky cook who loves all things green, is offered her dream of hosting a TV cooking show, she finds that being a celebrity isn’t easy peasy, and someone’s sabotaging her show. With help from her Pomeranian, Artichoke, Ella learns that, holy moley, she’s blaming the wrong person, and she must decide whether to risk her career by telling the truth or play into the network’s plans to exploit her for higher ratings.
  
FIRST 250:  

With her mom’s pageant crown nestled in her red curls, Ella Baxter poured blended broccoli into her homemade spaghetti sauce. It was her seventh try for the perfect recipe. She stirred the green into the red and let it bubble for a few minutes before scooping out a spoonful. Blowing across the wooden spoon, Ella closed her eyes, and tasted. Not the kind of taste where you chew twice and swallow. The sauce slid across her tongue, hitting every taste bud. 

Wrinkling her freckled nose, she sighed. “Holy moley, I did it. This is it.” Ella imagined what it would be like to stand in front of an audience as the host of her own TV cooking show. After tasting the spaghetti, her fans would jump out of their seats applauding. They’d love her green recipes. Her shoulders slumped. She was just a ten-year-old kid. How old would she have to be before she realized her dream?
Au-au, woof! Ella felt soft paws on her legs. She knelt down and ruffled the neck of the world’s most adorable golden Pomeranian. Holding out the spoon, Ella said, “Okey dokey, Artichokie. What do you think?” His enthusiastic tail told Ella that he thought it was perfect too.
Two great things happened on the day Ella found Artichoke. For her birthday, her dad had taken her to the shelter. She fell in love with the tiny three-pound dog when his sad brown eyes peered through the bars of the cage.

6 comments:

  1. I just love the premise of this story. And I think the first 250 are solid. The only thing that tripped me up was the Au-au before the woof.

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  2. Love the log line. It pops. I actually like the fourth paragraph for the beginning. I'd find myself reading on to find out what these two things are. Could the cut little dog have a green collar?

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  3. This sounds adorable. I'm going to go through and comment in parentheses as I read your entry. Good luck with everything!

    LOGLINE: When Ella, a spunky cook who loves all things green, is offered her dream of hosting a TV cooking show, she finds that being a celebrity isn’t easy peasy, and someone’s sabotaging her show. With help from her Pomeranian, Artichoke, Ella learns that, holy moley, (While I like the extra voice this adds I stop cold when reading it aloud. I don't know if I like it here purely for flow reasons.) she’s blaming the wrong person, and she must decide whether to risk her career by telling the truth or play into the network’s plans to exploit her for higher ratings. (Is the network sabotaging her? Why is it relevent that we know she's blaming the wrong person? Is she being mean to them based on no evidence? If it's not super relevant, I think this could do without that line.)

    FIRST 250:

    With her mom’s pageant crown nestled in her red curls, Ella Baxter poured blended broccoli into her homemade spaghetti sauce. It was her seventh try for the perfect recipe. She stirred the green into the red and let it bubble for a few minutes before scooping out a spoonful. Blowing across the wooden spoon, Ella closed her eyes, and tasted. Not the kind of taste where you chew twice and swallow. The sauce slid across her tongue, hitting every taste bud. (I like this opening, but I feel like the sentence are too similar. Maybe, during one of your revisions, you could try breaking them up into pieces to see how it feels.)

    Wrinkling her freckled nose, she sighed. (Not the reaction I expected for sucess. Perhaps lead with the dialogue?) “Holy moley, I did it. This is it.” Ella imagined what it would be like to stand in front of an audience as the host of her own TV cooking show. After tasting the spaghetti, her fans would jump out of their seats applauding. They’d love her green recipes. Her shoulders slumped. She was just a ten-year-old kid. How old would she have to be before she realized her dream?
    Au-au, woof! Ella felt soft paws on her legs. (I'd delete the 'felt' and just use something along the lines of 'soft paws [verbed] her legs.) She knelt down and ruffled the neck of the world’s most adorable golden Pomeranian. Holding out the spoon, Ella said, “Okey dokey, Artichokie. What do you think?” His enthusiastic tail told Ella that he thought it was perfect too. (Here again you sort of move the action away from being action-y. We don't need to read what things are telling us, but what things are doing. I think editing this to make the action action would benefit the flow and feeling. As it is, it's super adorable and interesting, but it's a little disconnected. We need to be brought into the moment.)
    Two great things happened on the day Ella found Artichoke. For her birthday, her dad had taken her to the shelter. She fell in love with the tiny three-pound dog when his sad brown eyes peered through the bars of the cage.

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  4. Thanks for the great ideas! I appreciate the help.

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  5. The log line is excellent--I'm jealous! The only thing I wonder is whether you should include Ella's age in the log line? Not sure if that's necessary, except the cook part made me expect Ella to be older than she was.

    The only other thing I'd point out is that we don't actually see Artichoke tasting the sauce, only Ella offering it. Otherwise, it's a great first 250 words!! Who wouldn't want to read more? :)

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  6. Great idea to show Artichoke tasting the sauce! Thanks!

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