tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post1241080056075135697..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: May Test Run #5K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-80521549901500193632012-05-30T13:25:48.342-04:002012-05-30T13:25:48.342-04:00It's definitely an action-y start to a fantasy...It's definitely an action-y start to a fantasy novel, but there needs to be more showing and less telling (I know...that most common and most vague writing advice there is, right?). In other words, don't start by telling us that his house was burning down. Maybe he comes out of a deep sleep when he hears a commotion downstairs and heads down to find torches have been thrown through his windows and the flames cracking up the walls. Make us hear, feel, smell, and taste what the character does. <br /><br />Also, saying that Flynn heard laughter behind him and then mentioning the "laughing soldiers" is a bit redundant. All in all, this is a pretty good action intro into a fantasy world. It just needs a few tweaks to get it ship shape.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-83616748061764763572012-05-30T03:32:53.790-04:002012-05-30T03:32:53.790-04:00I think you're moving too fast. This sounds li...I think you're moving too fast. This sounds like a really interesting, conflict-ridden start, but you're pushing through too much action without enough 'senses' detail to really ground the reader in what's going on. <br /><br />A good example is the bloody hand image. I think your first paragraph should probably be your first page - pull out the feelings - sight, sound, emotion, smells - and really put the reader in Flynn's shoes. Then you can make the rest of the action pass a little more quickly when we're solidly behind Flynn's eyes.<br /><br />I hope this helps - and good luck with the book. It's certainly an exciting opening!AimeeLSalterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-75091542707327897642012-05-28T19:44:50.965-04:002012-05-28T19:44:50.965-04:00This is one I would definitely read, but there are...This is one I would definitely read, but there are a few fixes that could be made. I noticed a lot of telling, especially in the first paragraph. What was he thinking about his mother and father burning? How did he feel about all of it? Will seeing his slain neighbors traumatize him? These are just a few things to think about. As it is it reads as a case file more than a story, but I see great potential for it!Katie Dunnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08915462239326916701noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-26781412798807631542012-05-28T15:58:36.517-04:002012-05-28T15:58:36.517-04:00talk about putting us right into the thick of it! ...talk about putting us right into the thick of it! wow! the only thing i could say about this one is that i got a little confused about some logistics in the very beginning - and maybe it was just me - about the main character's escape. is he going through a back door as the soldiers are boarding up the front of the house? surely he is not escaping through a hole in the same door they are boarding up.<br /><br />also, do the soldiers not see flynn running away when he can see them?<br /><br />i know it might be difficult in such a limited amount of words, but could you tell us what he's planning on doing next or what he's thinking of doing next? even if it's flynn has no idea where he's running to only that he has to get his little sister away from x danger? sort of setting up the story, if you will.<br /><br />other than that, i have no other comments. nicely done.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com