tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post2359241641300620740..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: October Logline #7K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-31161769483720439482011-10-28T12:19:00.984-04:002011-10-28T12:19:00.984-04:00Argh, sorry, that last line should be:
...but if ...Argh, sorry, that last line should be:<br /><br />...but if he does, he'll lose his new friends, just like he lost his sister.1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-11755112877861556912011-10-28T12:18:01.539-04:002011-10-28T12:18:01.539-04:00Is this better?
After a motorcycle accident kill...Is this better?<br /><br /><br />After a motorcycle accident kills his older sister, ten-year-old Alexander wakes up in the hospital with a hole in his memory and a missing voice. What he’s gained are two invisible friends who have no idea who they are or where they came from. If Alexander can solve the mystery of Seth and Mari, he might also regain his voice and memories, but if he does, he might lose his new friends, just like he lost his sister.1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-81686262483296136222011-10-28T07:26:02.247-04:002011-10-28T07:26:02.247-04:00I like what Kathryn said, we need more voice from ...I like what Kathryn said, we need more voice from him. As is it draws you in but a few little tweaks could make you feel more. Sounds very heartbreaking.Mandie Baxterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01178057465311925795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-29731721970981256292011-10-27T23:46:02.852-04:002011-10-27T23:46:02.852-04:00What a fabulous idea for a story! In addition to t...What a fabulous idea for a story! In addition to the comments above, the only thing I'd say this logline is missing is more twelve-year-old voice. You've done a good job with making sure all these words aren't too sophisticated for a twelve-year-old to day, but there's also nothing that jumps off the page as something a twelve-year-old would say, if that makes sense.Kathryn Purdiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18337488365098780737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-76200441105353450342011-10-27T23:35:30.916-04:002011-10-27T23:35:30.916-04:00I would read this, but agree with Heather that the...I would read this, but agree with Heather that there needs to be a consequence. Great job so far. Good Luck!S.A.Husseyhttp://planted-n-paged.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-16834465099590324682011-10-27T21:33:40.972-04:002011-10-27T21:33:40.972-04:00I agree with Heather about needing a goal and cons...I agree with Heather about needing a goal and consequences. Otherwise, this sounds heartbreaking (in a good way). Good luck!Vicki Tremperhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-31182062945809357712011-10-27T20:11:48.460-04:002011-10-27T20:11:48.460-04:00This is really well written. I had to read it a co...This is really well written. I had to read it a couple of times before I realized what was missing: a goal and consequences. I suspect the goal is to send his friends back where they came from, although that will cost him (a nice twist). But the costing him is the conflict, not the consequences.<br /><br />I don't know if this is right, but it needs something along the lines of: Alexander struggles to overcome his fear of being alone again so he can send his friends back to...wherever...if he fails....Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.com