tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post264409256578542397..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: April Indy 500 #7K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-84571146886093668212012-04-28T12:31:57.431-04:002012-04-28T12:31:57.431-04:00I really liked reading this. I think my favorite l...I really liked reading this. I think my favorite line was The devil must be shivering his hooves off in Hell. you done a wonderful job the only thing I would have liked to see was more interaction between Zyn and her father. <br />Good job keep it up I'd like to see where this all leads.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-65931572856440856712012-04-26T08:10:44.893-04:002012-04-26T08:10:44.893-04:00You have a lot of lovely phrases in there (the lin...You have a lot of lovely phrases in there (the line about sharing the sky was beautifully vivid), I would just work on clearing up some of the repetition and passive voice e.g It was a MORNING much like any other, Zyn Emerling knew, but she couldn't shake the expectant feeling that had been with her since she woke early that MORNING. - Why not just say 'since she woke', and then show us that it was unnaturally early with the line from the father, which is a lovely demonstration of the character's voice.<br /><br />The tension builds nicely in the last paragraph. I'd try and tighten everything up before that, so we get to that dramatic build up sooner without losing any of your world building.<br /><br />And yes, I also thought Benson Wood was a guy.katherineamabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-74652162600245582172012-04-25T22:35:49.678-04:002012-04-25T22:35:49.678-04:00I agree with the other reviewers, your setting and...I agree with the other reviewers, your setting and build up is great. I too followed her every move, feeling the doom, wondering what was to come.<br /><br />Although your first paragraph paints a lovely scene, I to thought that Benson Wood was a guy. It might be a good idea to clarify that since it is the first sentence of the book.<br /><br />Your wordage is very lovely, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your opening. I would love to read more:)CarolineFrye.blogspot.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00158333641073753659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-64110732872681868062012-04-25T18:33:38.071-04:002012-04-25T18:33:38.071-04:00I read over your opening paragraph first thinking ...I read over your opening paragraph first thinking it was a guy's name and wondered why it abruptly shifted over to a girl, then looking at it for a while I guess that is the name of the woods where she lives nearby. Of course re-reading the 'its' should have given it away. <br /><br />I felt disconnection between your fourth and fifth paragraphs. As it sounds like the morning, just after she wakes up, her locket breaks, but then you mention her father offering to get it fixed for her? Was he watching her sleep? Standing in her room? Maybe you need to make this part clearer? <br /><br />Also is the 'that the woman' referring to Laurie? If Laurie is her friend I find it odd Zyn is suddenly thinking of her as 'that woman'. <br /><br />You've done a good job of setting up an impending doom type feel.Mia K Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559392161390047500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-86585184948009593842012-04-25T18:23:21.888-04:002012-04-25T18:23:21.888-04:00I think this is a great beginning. As I said in a...I think this is a great beginning. As I said in another post, fantasy isn't really my forte, but your world-building was very effective, and I followed the MC and her bizarre morning the entire time. I especially liked how you showed her patting her pocket to make sure the locket was still there. Whenever I break a necklace, which oddly enough is a lot, I always make sure it's safe inside my pocket until I get home. This was a great example of showing instead of telling. As Beth said, I too am very curious as to what is coming her way. I'd love to read on. Sorry I don't have too much critique for you.:)Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15525362690272102453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-79581081192533917452012-04-25T17:00:26.058-04:002012-04-25T17:00:26.058-04:00Intrigued by this beginning. Very descriptive sett...Intrigued by this beginning. Very descriptive setting and build-up to "whatever was coming." I'd like to know more about the "signs and portents" you mention, which I assume will be detailed later or earlier in your story.beth563https://twitter.com/#!/beth563noreply@blogger.com