tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post2852476421952873168..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Hangover Round 1 Entry #1K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-67849797978808801562012-12-18T04:16:17.558-05:002012-12-18T04:16:17.558-05:00The logline turned me off a bit. How horrible is D...The logline turned me off a bit. How horrible is Dean that Brad would even think of leaving him behind? They get along well enough that they are able to celebrate the sale of the business they built with a trip to the wilderness. In the face of grave danger, people drop their anger with each other and rally to work together. So this potential reaction seems extreme to me.<br />As for the story, I suggest you begin with "Twigs snapped beneath..." Then continue with the "The narrow path led up..." The imagery is strong and appealing. Lots of sensory description brings the story alive. Keep simple ideas expressed in simple sentences. Try, "Dean swatted the gnats circling his head," or something similar. The dialogue is stilted in several places. Think about how people talk to each other and remember that your characters are really talking to your readers, not to each other. Make the conversation more natural but only write the words that we need to read. "I must tell you" - no one speaks like that anymore. A couple of men out in the wilds are likely to make some unsavory comments with some spicy words. Now, I want to know what the surprise is!Heartfeltnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-29353650539748443902012-12-17T19:37:17.531-05:002012-12-17T19:37:17.531-05:00You have some strong writing and a good opening ho...You have some strong writing and a good opening hook. I think you could get rid of the first sentence, which to me seemed a little overwritten and omniscient POV, and just start with "Twigs snapped beneath Brad Lucas' boots." You did a great job setting up suspense in the 2nd half of that paragraph. Lead with that instead.<br /><br />I think your logline could be clearer. The "also decide if Dean is worth saving" seemed vague and maybe unecessary. But overall, I liked this a lot - good job!A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-20688536122571619672012-12-17T12:03:00.770-05:002012-12-17T12:03:00.770-05:00I like the story idea but was a little confused by...I like the story idea but was a little confused by your query. (I had to re-read it.) I also wanted to warn you about using too many adjectives and adverbs (IE. crying birds, foraging squirrels, chirping tree frogs)-I used to do this too until someone told me to ease up and use stronger nouns and verbs to get my point across. I hope this helps! Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03709765480911390955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-7318353673448340322012-12-17T11:07:10.442-05:002012-12-17T11:07:10.442-05:00Great writing and description in these opening lin...Great writing and description in these opening lines. I'd be interested in reading further. There is one big thing that's throwing me off: you're setting up Dean as the leader and Brad as the follower. When Brad whistles, it sounds like he has more knowledge and power than Dean. Then when the Brad says he's tired of following Dean, the power dynamic completely switches. As a reader I'd like some consistency between these characters when first getting to know them.yellow post-itnoreply@blogger.com