tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post3126476115881157290..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: December Buyer's Remorse #9K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-17873028911210858162011-12-18T20:07:57.238-05:002011-12-18T20:07:57.238-05:00Wow, I was really hooked by this piece. There are ...Wow, I was really hooked by this piece. There are only two things I would nitpick at. One, the adverb "dryly". Could she swallow and could you describe the dryness/rawnees of her throat another way? Two: You say "Serena" every second sentence. I think at least a few of these could be a simple "she". Besides that, though, I would love to read more.L.S. Taylorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14027508427079449613noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-20673595434740053232011-12-15T11:16:59.078-05:002011-12-15T11:16:59.078-05:00SUGGESTIONS TO CONSIDER:
It felt like ice in Sere...SUGGESTIONS TO CONSIDER:<br /><br />It felt like ice in Serena’s trembling hand as she turned. Beneath its surface, the rushing sands of time slowed to a trickle and were still.<br /><br />SERENA'S HAND TREMBLED AS SHE REACHED FOR THE GLASS. IT FELT LIKE ICE. SHE TURNED IT, AND TIME SLOWED TO A TRICKLE AND THEN STOPPED.<br /><br /><br />She set the hourglass back upon the sacrificial rock. I NEVER BELIEVED SHE ACTUALLY LIFTED IT. YOU CAN CUT THIS LINE.<br /><br />(CUT “Alasdair,” the witch continued,) THE WITCH'S PIERCING DARK EYES TURNED TO SERENA'S HUSBAND STANDING BESIDE HER. “you too must control the passing of time.” THIS IS WHEN YOU NEED TO TELL US THAT THEY'RE MARRYING. DON'T RUSH IT<br /><br />Serena glanced at her husband; HUSBAND? NOT YET, THEY'RE STILL GETTING MARRIED. THE MAN SHE LOVED AND WOULD DIE FOR, MAYBE. OTHERWISE, WHY THE TEARS? his eyes, like hers, were wet. With slow, agonizing care, he completed his part of the spell. TELL WHAT HE DID AND DROP SLOW AND AGONIZING. Then his hand found Serena’s and their fingers intertwined. (CUT as they embraced this) A final, physical memory together. THAT'S GREAT! LOVE IT. In marrying him, Serena had bound him to this fate. She wore her guilt like an open wound. WHAT MARRIAGE? BE CLEAR EARLIER. WHAT GUILT? NO NEED TO BE MYSTERIOUS.<br /><br />The witch smashed the glass against the altar stone and gathered a handful of ghostly white sand. FROM WHERE?<br /><br />YOU BRING UP GOOD STORY QUESTION THAT MAKE ME WANT TO READ MORE FOR THE ANSWERS.billhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09899568765344371884noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-49971940214491905152011-12-15T01:21:46.196-05:002011-12-15T01:21:46.196-05:00There's a lot going on here, for what I assume...There's a lot going on here, for what I assume is the very beginning of your novel. A lot of layered emotion - I think on one hand, that's great because it raises a lot of interest. On the other, I feel like my mind can't pick a place to focus on, resulting in me being overall uninvested in every character you've mentioned. <br /><br />I think some of the phrasing is a bit awk:<br /><br />"but there was no guarantee she could deliver it into the right hands and every chance that the attempt would lead her into a trap."<br /><br />Overall, I think it has a lot of promise - it's definitely a descriptive scene. Would love to know more immediately what 1509 means for the context. Usually I find that if the date is mentioned before the chapter begins, there's something significant about it almost right away. <br /><br />Look forward to learning more though! Esp. the notion of marriage binding power and resulting in this guilt for the main character.Jacynth Richhttp://jacynthrich.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-6148760458864850662011-12-14T22:49:06.920-05:002011-12-14T22:49:06.920-05:00Stephanie made a couple of the same things I found...Stephanie made a couple of the same things I found so I won't repeat. <br /><br />Overall, my curiosity is piqued and would love to read more to see where its taken. Great job!!S.A.Husseyhttp://planted-n-paged.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-32120360719535001632011-12-14T21:14:03.222-05:002011-12-14T21:14:03.222-05:00I'm curious as to Alasdair's part of the s...I'm curious as to Alasdair's part of the spell. His was summarized rather than shown. If Serena stopped time, was Alasdair's part to restart it so that they both could show their control?KimberlyFDRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01969245120222671022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-31132512934008874392011-12-14T20:28:38.602-05:002011-12-14T20:28:38.602-05:00The way it sounds 'see that you have controlle...The way it sounds 'see that you have controlled time,' makes it sound like that happened in the past. Yet the witch tells the husband 'you too must control the passing of time.' If this is deliberate, disregard, but it sounds like a tense issue. It's definitely interesting though, with some great lines in there!Feaky Snuckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17481513779668517971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-52074156019088567542011-12-14T20:09:17.669-05:002011-12-14T20:09:17.669-05:00This definitely makes me interested to read on, as...This definitely makes me interested to read on, as I'm really curious about what's going on. Nice job!<br /><br />A couple nits:<br /><br />"slowed to a trickle and were still" could be "slowed to a trickle and stilled"<br /><br />"but there was no guarantee she could deliver it into the right hands and every chance that the attempt would lead her into a trap" -- I'd change this to "but there was no guarantee she could deliver it into the right hands without falling into a trap." The way it is now, the wording makes it a bit confusing.Stephanie Diazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10606180983300679986noreply@blogger.com