tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post3222470587059310361..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: May Test Run #7K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-17137625590346301372012-05-30T13:03:00.517-04:002012-05-30T13:03:00.517-04:00I agree with the last commenter that I felt there ...I agree with the last commenter that I felt there wasn't much of an anchor. I think you ought to put in some sensory elements (what does the car smell like? Are the window's down? Is it cool/hot?) to spice things up a bit. <br /><br />It definitely does call attention because I'm wondering why she went in the nuthouse in the first place. I think the emotions should be a bit more intense though; the mom's anxiety is clear, but I didn't feel the protags.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-26962145686370462662012-05-30T03:28:37.359-04:002012-05-30T03:28:37.359-04:00I found this interesting. I wanted to know more ab...I found this interesting. I wanted to know more about what had happened. I suspect the protagonist saw her sister killed. But I felt like this was lacking an 'anchor'. I didn't have a clear picture of where they were, what kind of people they were, what environment they were in (except a car). Just a few very small details could have given me that information without slowing the pace (clothing, interior of car, seasonal queues from exterior, etc).<br /><br />The conflict is definitely here. If I'd had the chance, I would have turned the page to see if it really grabbed me.AimeeLSalterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17763596557256341788noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-18579408530181399832012-05-28T15:35:56.452-04:002012-05-28T15:35:56.452-04:00i like the opening line and i really think that sh...i like the opening line and i really think that should be more of the focus of the first page. the intensity of the feelings the character would have being "out in the real world" after 4 1/2 years and seeing how much has changed, noticing the nervousness of her mom, already feeling that she's going to freak out again. is mom even acknowledging the anniversary? is it off-limits to mention the sister? Is there a significance to the new house bought three years ago? Seems important.<br /><br />the first paragraph could be tightened a bit if you cut the second sentence about mom and then maybe add some of her nervousness into the tag of second paragraph.<br /><br />repeating the line "i got you registered for school" feels like a throw away line and stating the actual grade feels like you are speaking directly to the reader. i'd cut it and go straight to main character's reaction.<br /><br />how would your main character really feel about returning to high school? her only response here seems to be a noncommittal head shake.<br /><br />there's a lot of repetition of "did you talk to dr. morris" and "dr. morris said..." I'd maybe revise and compress them into one exchange. as it is, they read a little clunky.<br /><br />i know it's early but i'd really like to get a feel for the paranormal part of the story. even if it's just a hint.<br /><br />i know it's hard to give more educated guidance with only the first 250 words, but i hope these suggestions help! good luck with your story!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-32442120852195370182012-05-28T00:57:31.543-04:002012-05-28T00:57:31.543-04:00I like this. All I got say is that some of it coul...I like this. All I got say is that some of it could be tightened by deleting things like 'I got' and 'has'. Just using the past tense verbs might make the flow better. Good job!L.M. Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05834881688010514126noreply@blogger.com