tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post4308094632158974599..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Hangover Round 2 Entry #2K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-54440134392886254832012-12-27T09:53:11.852-05:002012-12-27T09:53:11.852-05:00The logline is WAY too long and gives too much bac...The logline is WAY too long and gives too much backstory. Condense it to include only: Character(s), Conflict, Decision, and Stakes. Add some action and maybe mention the setting, especially since you have such a unique setting (but it doesn’t need to go into loads of detail or backstory).<br /><br />The first paragraph is telling, which makes it boring. I don’t have the sense of anxiety Cimber obviously does because it hasn’t been built up yet.<br /><br />The explanation of the father pointing and flicking his hand is confusing and I had to reread it several times to try to understand what he was doing with his hand. Is it really important that he draws his thumb down his jaw line? If not, axe it. It doesn’t add to the story or his character…unless he’s using sign language, but that isn’t clear from how it’s written.<br /><br />Overall, there is too much description and not enough action. Build up the tension and worry the whole family seems to feel. Also, as a reader, I don’t know that the twins are mute or defective. Somehow, work that in or hint at it.<br />Samantha Jeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02193467123499224688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-69729928475137104052012-12-27T09:36:54.670-05:002012-12-27T09:36:54.670-05:00I'm no SF expert but here's my take. Your...I'm no SF expert but here's my take. Your logline and first paragraph are perfectly clear. Well done. You've got an interesting premise. I'd be interested to know how the twins are defective.<br /><br />Here are the things that tripped me up:<br /><br />The positioning of the furniture pulled me out of the story. I just couldn't figure it out. Were they using the furniture to feel protected? Was it pushed up against the door?<br /> <br />The introduction of the parents was fairly clear but then who is Greg?? The father?<br /><br />Maybe 'this cycle' should be explained because it left me dangling a little. Also what does the last sentence "work?" mean?<br /><br />Good luck with this.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11737889720275599055noreply@blogger.com