tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post4686033192036163346..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: BD One Last Chance Logline #17K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-29037599021830891402012-10-28T16:02:19.261-04:002012-10-28T16:02:19.261-04:00How about:
"Veronica moves to a quiet river m...How about:<br />"Veronica moves to a quiet river marina, but finds her peace shattered by murder, mystery and Clara, the ghost of a shopaholic nun with an addiction to Liz Claiborne Outlets. When Veronica’s friend is accused of the murder, she believes he’s been framed, and led by clues from the ghost sets out to find the real killer, unaware the killer wants to find her first."Shannon Schurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03058507888547956144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-48508685141114125112012-10-28T15:50:54.914-04:002012-10-28T15:50:54.914-04:00But wait- looking at it that way, shouldn't I ...But wait- looking at it that way, shouldn't I replace the "she" in the last sentence with her name? Ugh- stupid loglines!<br /><br />"Veronica moves to a quiet river marina, but finds her peace shattered by murder, mystery and Clara, the ghost of a shopaholic nun with an addiction to Liz Claiborne Outlets. When Veronica’s friend is accused of the murder, she believes he’s been framed and promises to help. So, led by clues from the ghost, Veronica sets out to find the real killer, unaware the killer wants to find her first."#17noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-66927519471390317092012-10-28T15:46:13.750-04:002012-10-28T15:46:13.750-04:00Thanks, Cassielo! I went back and forth on that. I...Thanks, Cassielo! I went back and forth on that. I'm glad you think "she" works fine, because it does sound much better that way!<br /><br /><br />"Veronica moves to a quiet river marina, but finds her peace shattered by murder, mystery and Clara, the ghost of a shopaholic nun with an addiction to Liz Claiborne Outlets. When Veronica’s friend is accused of the murder, she believes he’s been framed and promises to help. So, led by clues from the ghost, she sets out to find the real killer, unaware the killer wants to find her first."#17noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-19383464560659931502012-10-28T13:07:36.655-04:002012-10-28T13:07:36.655-04:00The character of Clara really hooks me. I think yo...The character of Clara really hooks me. I think your rewrite helps the pronoun confusion, but I don't think you need to repeat "Veronica", e.g., "she believes he's". This logline really hooks me. Sounds like a great book! Good luck.Pamela Loringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13328917513573130273noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-67294101221155056232012-10-27T22:47:55.925-04:002012-10-27T22:47:55.925-04:00Veronica moves to a quiet river marina, but finds ...Veronica moves to a quiet river marina, but finds her peace shattered by murder, mystery and Clara, the ghost of a shopaholic nun with an addiction to Liz Claiborne Outlets. When Veronica’s friend is accused of the murder, Veronica believes he’s been framed and promises to help. So, led by clues from the ghost, she sets out to find the real killer, unaware the killer wants to find her first. #17noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-90343194964590611362012-10-27T17:27:06.689-04:002012-10-27T17:27:06.689-04:00Thanks, all! I originally wrote it without the pol...Thanks, all! I originally wrote it without the police part, then stressed at the last moment that someone would ask well, why don't the police think he's been framed and help him out? I underestimated the intelligence of my audience and I apologize!#17noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-54699406686501594472012-10-27T15:28:27.348-04:002012-10-27T15:28:27.348-04:00Veronica moves to a quiet river marina and finds h...Veronica moves to a quiet river marina and finds her peace shattered by murder and Clara, the ghost of a shopaholic nun, with an addiction to Liz Claiborne Outlets. When Veronica's friend is accused of murder, she sets out, led by clues from the ghost,to <br /><br />Or something like that. It clears up a lot of the pronoun confusion and keeps the word count short enough.<br /><br />I like the story premise. I'd read more. Good luck.<br /><br />Violet - entry 29<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-90092539089727565162012-10-27T09:53:07.430-04:002012-10-27T09:53:07.430-04:00"Clara, the ghost of a shopaholic nun with an..."Clara, the ghost of a shopaholic nun with an addiction to Liz Claiborne Outlets"--haha! That won me over! :)<br />I would suggest rewording this sentence: "A friend is accused of the murder but Veronica thinks he’s been framed, even if the police don’t." I had a moment of pronoun confusion, and I think it's unnecessary to say "the police don't." Aside from that, I have no suggestions. I'm hooked by the ghost. :)<br />sgfnoreply@blogger.com