tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post4804315131356880949..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: October Logline #9K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-51245714808229037722011-10-28T17:31:39.439-04:002011-10-28T17:31:39.439-04:00I agree to make the first line start with The nigh...I agree to make the first line start with The night before... Also I agree with the above comment: what are the stakes if she fails, and what is the motivation for her to try? It's a great improvement though - it just sounds better this time : )katherineamabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05886046787026184461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-27259420759492952382011-10-28T12:27:50.332-04:002011-10-28T12:27:50.332-04:00I got thrown a little 'cause you mentioned an ...I got thrown a little 'cause you mentioned an idol, then started talking about a treasure. Same thing, I'm thinking, but you might want to stick with one term for clarity :)<br /><br />Also, what are the personal stakes for Sophie?1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-23248035149881564492011-10-28T07:17:00.043-04:002011-10-28T07:17:00.043-04:00I think the above comments are on point and this i...I think the above comments are on point and this is a great premise. My only question would be about bad guys. Do they have a name? If so, and it screams bad buys, maybe using it.Mandie Baxterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01178057465311925795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-12151870311850279482011-10-27T23:37:22.600-04:002011-10-27T23:37:22.600-04:00Fantastic improvement!
I like JoyMC's suggest...Fantastic improvement!<br /><br />I like JoyMC's suggestion for rephrasing the first sentence. If you want to keep it closer to as is I'd change "...bush, and it urges her..." to "...bush, urging her..."<br /><br />In response to Heather above, perhaps the MC's motivation is her adventure-seeking nature, and this whole trip/conflict/adventure begins with a thrill, but backfires into more than she thinks she can handle, and then she must... Something to that effect.<br /><br />Great work with this logline!Kathryn Purdiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18337488365098780737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-89239758997635520582011-10-27T23:26:07.498-04:002011-10-27T23:26:07.498-04:00Nice! Just nits here. I'd like something more ...Nice! Just nits here. I'd like something more specific than "hiding it forever." I hope you have room for something like: dropping down a mine shaft and blowing up the entrance (obviously, I have no idea).<br /><br />The only thing missing (and is something I also struggle with to state in so few words) is: what is her motivation to to do this thing?Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-71787128596778687082011-10-27T19:59:04.179-04:002011-10-27T19:59:04.179-04:00This is nit-picky, but I wonder if you get better ...This is nit-picky, but I wonder if you get better flow like this: "The night before traveling to the Ugandan bush, 12-year-old adventure-phobe Tripplehorn Parker opens a secret message urging her to protect ..." I also wonder when I read this, how the treasure controls destiny. And whose destiny? Hers? Or someone else's? Also a flow thing, but I think "nix HER nerves" flows better than just nix nerves. And like I said - nit-picky. I think it's strong to begin with!JoyMCnoreply@blogger.com